the mis-information age (the visitor part 10) (enemy! part 5) (taniwha part 0)

day 9 of my cousin larry's unannounced and unplanned for visit . the longer it goes on, the more my life in dunedin ceases to be what it had been before larry's popping in.

man it's making me yearn for the good "old" days, and by old i mean ancient, of 65 million years ago larry is always going on about...

sure i'd have been part of a competitive and aggressive pack of my own kind. sure i'd have stood no chance in such a setting due to my size and lack of development. sure i'd never known the joys of friendship, civilization, puters, fountains, or the dictionary, but at least i wouldn't have to watch the deconstruction of everything i'd built in the civilized world...

today started off innocent enough... well at least as innocent as it can when you have a fully grown bull tyrannosaurus rex crashing at your place (even if it is a botanic garden you happen to live in)...

all was innocent, except for one out of place truck parked outside salmond hall this morning...

little did i suspect that the germ-man had prepared he's greatest strike yet... how was i too know... i hadn't figured out he was behind larry's terrible tumble the other day at bench hill...

yet in his cold calculating germ-mind, the germ-man had thought of a way for his tripping larry with a banana peel to trigger something far more sinister. one that was going to make me and larry regret some of our actions earlier in the week... and make my future in new zealand a whole lot more complicated...

at around 6:30 i got a call from my landlord ben the gardener on my "cell"phone.

"traumador you better find a TV now!" ben urged me.

larry didn't feel like coming to see what ben's concern was about, being still a little sore and stiff from his tumble the other day. though we tyrannosaurs are built tough, taking a full-on fall down a hill weighing 6 tonnes is still going to muck you up.

arriving at the garden cafe a few minutes later i found everyone, staff and costumers, with their heads all glued to the TV in the corner...

it was the middle of the evening news, but instantly my total attention was caught by the next segment. "now a special investigative report examining a growing threat to public safety that has developed in dunedin the last week."
_
it switched to some reporting standing in front of salmond hall. for a moment i was overwhelmed with thinking (which if you have a brain as small as mine is a bit of a big deal). public safety risk, and here he was in front of a place that many of my friends (namely owain and craig) lived at!?! were they in danger? were they going to be on TV?!? why hadn't they told me!?!?!

little did it occur to despite all this thinking that i should have considered the story would be about ME!

snapping me back to the moment having missed the reporters introduction to himself and the piece. "tonight my investigation looks at the increasing presence and menace of dinosaurs here in dunedin. over the past week news one has been bringing you coverage of the attack by a tyrannosaurus rex on a car unprovoked here in otago, but in this exclusive report we bring to light a number of other terrifying and shocking developments in this prehistoric invasion of the south island."

my heart skipped a beat...

"this was the scene just three days ago, when a jurassic killer," man do reporters ever do any research on things before they report them? cretaceous. cretaceous killer! "attempted to attack a student here at salmond college student residence."

oh no i thought. how could i have let larry talk me into his plan of getting the germ-man back? okay on the one hand it was easy for larry to convince me. the germ-man had thrown me off a stair case just due to getting his shirt wet, but i should have thought things through.

cause what came across on TV made us look real bad... i never even thought for a second about how busy salmond hall is. there are students wandering in and out of that place all day and night! of course some of the other students would have seen our prank on the germ-man. luck would have it that one of them had a camera, and worse yet with a video function.

larry was right a full on tyrannosaur roar would scare humans. even after the fact on TV. cause everyone one around me in the cafe jumped when larry let his patented bellow out at the germ-man.

next thing i knew there on screen was the germ-man himself. "the survivor of the attack one andreas von schnitzie, a german exchange student told news one his story."

_

"so there i was, yeah right, minding the business and suddenly i noticed ripples in mine water cup glass," the germ-man started. "so i was like 'oh my goodness there are ripples in mine water cup glass. i should go look around for the cause... with my eyes'. "
_

"next things i know this giant lizard appeared at the transparent wall..."

so far i couldn't say the germ-man had done anything bad. that is exactly what had happened.

than it came. he totally manipulated events.

"i was amazed," he started. "i'd never seen a lizard like that ever before. so i decided to get closer to the transparent wall and have a better look. again, with my eyes."

wait a second i thought watching the TV. larry ducked below the window so the germ-man couldn't him until he popped up and bellowed... than it dawned on me. the germ-man just claimed he'd never seen a "lizard" like larry before. which was a blatant lie. a lie that got worse!

"what a beautiful and magnificent creature i thought to mineself. all i wanted was to peacefully look at this lizard. that i point out had wandered up to mine home, not the other way around!" the germ-man buttered up his side of the story. "it waited there for me to come in closer. once i was in striking distance it tried to attack me!"

i could hear people in the cafe whispering angrily to each other... they were actually buying the germ-man's bogus story!

the germ-man on screen, as though to mock me, started to fake cry. "all i wanted to do was look at such a magnificent animal. what does it do, but try to end mine life."


"despite he's close brush in with the primal killer, mr. von schnitzie doesn't hold a grudge," the reporter interjected for a moment.

cutting back to the germ-man looking more composed after his faked upsetness "no i do not believe we should judge the beast too harshly. for after all it is far stupider than we human beings."

the reporter asked of the germ-man. "so would you say that you still feel safe after this incident?"

the germ-man looked directly at the camera, and it seemed through the TV past the rest of the audience in the cafe at me...


"though i don't think the beast knew what it was doing, i can not say i feel that means it is safe. afterall this thing came up to mine home here in the middle of the city. i was just lucky it was too dumb to smash through the transparent wall," my stomach knotted as i knew that the reporter believed every word the germ-man was saying. "i would caution everyone elses in dunedin to be on the lookout for this beast, and others like it. whether they be big or untiny. they are naturally blood thirsty and seem to want to eat the flesh of peoples."
_
"it is from this brave university student we have a chilling picture of these prehistoric beasts," the reporter went on. "which had until last week been unheard of here in new zealand. though thus far everyone who has close encounters with them has lived to tell the tale how much longer will this be the case?"
_
"just last week a mere block from salmond college another incident with a tyrannosaur unfolded that paints a bleak picture for dunedin's human residents. In this news one exclusive video, we have more evidence of the destructive and quite probably deadly nature of these colossal animals."
_

suddenly on the screen was footage of larry's fall at bench hill. the report described the event "in the middle of the after noon a stumbling, possibly drunk, tyrannosaurus rex fell in a section of the dunedin botanic garden causing $5,000 damage. more to the point ladies and gentlemen it is not hard to imagine the effect this falling giant would have had if people had been in the area at the time."
_
the reporter started to editorialize about if parks were unsafe where were people safe? what about our children? etc...
_
i stopped paying attention. my brain fixated on where did they get that footage of the fall? no one else had been around... i know because i looked around to make sure no one had seen it!
_
than it all came together "this incident was witnessed by many," the reporter claimed. i glared up at the TV in rage. "including mr. von schnitzie." and inside my brain the answer started to click...
_
"yes the lizards are dangerous anywhere they go," entered an edited clip of the germ-man who had clearly been ranting about how dangerous t-rexs were. "just the other day a group of me and mine friends were walking through the gardens when we beheld the sight of one of the lizards falling down a hill. it was almost as though its feets were made of banana peels that slip and slide everywhere. because it just feel down out of nowhere. me and mine friends were lucky to have not been below it or we'd have been made into panned cakes."
_
of course! it all made sense now! larry couldn't have just tripped out of no where... he complained that it felt like for a moment he'd stepped on something gooey and soft leading into the fall, but all he had on his foot afterwards was a faint trace of paste (which after 6 tonnes of dinosaur on it would be all that is left of a banana peel!). more to the point i could explain how the banana got there in the first place, and that larry's fall was filmed so perfectly!
_
the germ-man!!!

it was than suddenly i realized just how much damage the germ-man had inflicted on me with this retaliatory action of his... by not only causing larry to fall, but than sick the news on us he'd completely smeared tyrannosaurus public image way beyond the stereotype!

"and what has dunedin done about this threat? just an hour after the unprovoked attack on a car the dunedin police force attempted to interdict the prehistoric threat, and stop its rampage before any of these recent events.

however despite their best efforts the police force found that it did not have the legal mandate or authority to intervene or stop the monster."

"who would possibly have put into place laws that protect such creatures from terrorizing new zealand citizens?" the reporter challenged the audience.

"none other than our own department of conservation. under the newly established extracontinental organism act of earlier this year all tyrannosaurs have become protected species of new zealand. meaning that no matter what the animals do it is illegal for anyone to interfere with its existence, unless they have a special permit from the department of conservation .

who currently has such a permit? certainly not local law enforcement officers, who were forced to back down despite their desire to protect the people of otago.

thus far the only person that news one has been able to find with such a permit is one conservation officer aeryn hamilton. who had this to say when asked about the current tyrannosaur rampages through dunedin:"

"the department refuses to comment on these events. all i am at liberty to discuss at moment is that the department in conjunction with the ministry is re-examining our stance and policies on such extracontinental organisms in new zealand. until a decision is reached all such animals whether settled in new zealand or visiting under legal permits are still protected species and as of such unsanctionable at this time."

"in an attempt to assure the public the government is aware of the issue, prime minister helen clarke granted me a special interview on the governments dinosaur stance earlier today."

the show cut to the interview.

"mrs. prime minister thank you for taking the time to speak to us."

"my pleasure."

"now the government had officially agreed to let these animals into new zealand earlier this year had it not?"

"well in fairness this was the decision of the department of conservation upon the discovery of a single smuggled in individual animal. the government itself was not part of the decision process of granting it official protected status, but rather provisions have been in place giving the department the freedom to make these sorts of calls when the need arises."

"so what you're saying in essence is that a law had been pass previous that allowed the department the authority to decide without consulting the government."

"preciously."

"well obviously the department's descion has proven a bit questionable. what steps is the government going to take to prevent further endangerments to the public, and to stop this sort of thing from happening in the future?"

"i'm personally working closely with the minister and the department to rectify the situtation. options thus far include the addition of new conservation directives to the extracontinential organism act allowing easier intervention. in the long term i'm told by the department and the ministry a comphrensive review of the act is under way that is reviewing whether it serves any productive role in perserving new zealand's overall ecological heritage."

"are you than saying that the government is against dinosaurs in new zealand?"

"well that is something of a silly statement as there was clearly dinosaurs here at some point in the past. the government is currently in the process of confering with the department as to what impact both the tyrannosaurs and any other dinosaurs on the south island are having on our environment, and in some cases society."

other dinosaurs? what did she mean?

"the new zealand public can rest assured though, that by the end of the week a solution will be in place to help both the department of conservation and local law enforcement deal with any more incidents that threaten either property or lives from these animals."

just like that due to the actions of my visiting cousin (who is a legal organism of canada... NOT new zealand unlike me) and my enemy the germ-man, somehow i had just become public enemy number one!

as if to seal my new fate a picture of me appeared on screen.

"65 million years ago the group of animals known as the dinosaurs went extinct never to be seen again. yet in recent years some of them have made a mysterious return throughout the world. up until now only a few scattered bones of these animals were to be found the the two islands of new zealand. in the last few years an invasion has occurred of foreign dinosaurs coming to our shores seeking to establish a presence."

"leaving us with the question if none of them survived here should we be allowing them to enter our otherwise prehistoric free past?"

"some have pointed out that a reintroduced dinosaur presence would be quite fitting for new zealand's eco-system."

agent hamilton appeared on screen again. "new zealand is the home of some of the few survivoring land species from the mezesoic period. the tuatra and weta are species only minorly changed by the process of evolution in the last 65 million years. in some ways this would make our allowing dinosaurs to immigrate here a very logical step of keeping these few remaining remenants of that time together."

"regardless of whether it is ecologically or scienctifically logical to allow animals such as tyrannosaurus rex into new zealand, there has at the present been a human cost to this experinment by the department of conservation's."

_

the news expose wrapped up, going back to the news desk back at the station.

There the had a quick addition to add to the dinosaur special exposé. It was a way off tangent bit me puzzle...

"finally tonight a part of this developing crisis that has many concerned that the dinosaur menace is spreading far faster than any of us imagined."


"exclusive to news one this amatuer footage was taken off port chalmers two days ago. though no offical scientific confirmation has yet been made about the creature captured in the video, it clearly is not a species of animal native to the otago peninsula. leaving many to wonder are the dinosaurs in dunedin capable of moving not just by land, but now by the sea too?

this has been new one's coverage of the unfolding tyrannosaur crisis. thank you for watching ladies and gentlemen. good night."

okay i'd had just about enough for one day! i'm not sure what this last clip was, but it clearly wasn't a dinosaur! dinosaurs live on the land. period. we sometimes would go swimming for movements sake or to cool off, but not a single one of us made our livlihood off the water as it were. that was the realm of marine reptiles, fish, and invertabrates! the news needed to do it's homework!

me and larry hadn't gone anywhere near the harbour that alone port chalmers (which is a little ways up the peninsula, and more than an hours walk from town!). what were was their mystery creature?

causing me to come out of my at this point overworked mind was the realization that EVERYONE in the cafe had by now noticed my precense, and were glaring at me...

"hey," i ventured.

"get out of here you monster!" some lady shouted.

as i opened my mouth to respond a man yelled. "look out it's going to attack!" and throw a bottle of ketchup at me.

i barely managed to duck in time. i realized i should make an escape now before the crowd linched me!on my very fast legs (still having the body build of a baby t-rex i'm very lightly built for speed) i bolted from the cafe as fast as i could go!

what had just happened? was the only thing my brain the size of a peanut could think. how had my life in dunedin gone so wrong? why were the humans instantly out to kill us?

the news hadn't bothered to ask for our sides of the story? the reporter had clearly just wanted to cover the real life monster story he seemed to be presented?

despite my having gone out of my way to try and live life low impact in human society is this what i was going to get for it?

had larry been right the whole time? were humans going to hate me just because of what i was?

i was going to ask larry later today what he thought i should do about this situation? what the true tyrannosaur way to deal with humans?

to be continued...

could it get any worse? (the visitor part 3)

well this week has thus far been a total disaster people of the web wide world. as of today i've been left wondering how can things get any worse?!?

my cousin larry's unannounced visit has nearly brought total disaster... out of all the people/dinosaurs who could have decided to visit me here in new zealand why'd it have to be larry?

he wouldn't say why though, and it's driving me a little crazy!

making matters worse i wasn't the first to find out about his arrival in town. my landlord ben the gardener came across larry first, and naturally wasn't too happy to discover a fully grown tyrannosaurus rex wandering his garden!

i was barely able to talk my way out of major trouble with ben, but 10 seconds after avoiding that barrel of monkeys i was shocked to see an even greater crisis unfold...

ben wasn't the only one who'd noticed larry (funny that... 40 foot long 20 foot high killer reptile/proto bird) in the garden. tons of locals saw him and frantically rang it into the authorities. it didn't take long for these complaints of a "roving tyrannosaurus rex" to come to the attention of my attache with the department of conservation. however when agent hamilton rushed to the garden to deal with the situation she thought it was me causing the problems...

i've heard a saying about making assumptions, but i can't remember it right now... cause man i'm starting to suspect larry planned his visit solely to destroy my new life in one fell swoop!

now from what little i know about my keeper from the department of conservation, agent hamilton, she'd never seen a dinosaur before me (as most people in new zealand. they've only got 7 known dinosaurs period, and ALL are from the northern island). i think she had done a little reading on t-rexs when coming up with my conservation program, but i don't think she ever realized that i was actually a true tyrannosaur.

what i mean is as i'm only 4 years old i still have a lot of growing to do (especially since i kinda got stuck on the growing factor at age 1... i'm way overdue for a growth spurt anytime now!). if you were to look at me, and not think about it you might not make the connection that i'm supposed to get up to larry's size...

well sadly agent hamilton had to make that realization in a more hands on fashion than she'd probably wanted too...

this was about the moment i reentered the story... having just dealt with ben's concerns about larry i turned to leave the garden's cafe only to discover agent hamilton outside frozen in bewilderment and terror...

with larry loaming right above her. now i know i've said this a million times people of the innerweb, but larry is a JERK! not only does he dislike humans, but he loves to scare them. especially ones he knows are important.

he could tell the agent hamilton was someone important, and more the point concerned with him (her staring in disbelief kinda gave her away). naturally as a colossal JERK! he had to make a point... one that was about to make my life WAY more difficult then ever before!



as larry leaned in closer to size up agent hamilton i felt my heart stop...

you see agent hamilton holds a great deal of power over my living in new zealand. after i completed a bunch of criteria for the government that allowed me to stay in the country i became the responsibility of DOC (that's the short version of the depart of conservation). as the only tyrannosaur (at the time anyway) of new zealand that made me an ubber endangered species, and new zealand takes protecting its wildlife seriously. so they assigned agent hamilton to my case...

the thing is agent hamilton hasn't been the warmest or friendliest of watchers, and i haven't had a chance to tell her much about my heritage or family... i was thinking i could ease her into my background as a tyrannical king lizard slowly... what with my being raised by humans has kind of dulled my saurian instincts. i thought this was a safe enough approach.

however seeing larry lean right at agent hamilton i knew that i was going to regret not mentioning it before...

especially since i knew the body posturing larry was using. he wasn't just checking hamilton out. he was about to declare his dominance...

i ran out of the cafe as fast as my tiny legs would take me (which considering i'm still built like a juvenile tyrannosaur is FAST! we're built like ornithimimids till we bulk up with age and growth) screaming in tyrannosaurese. "larry NOOOOOOO!"

i was too late though... larry paid no heed to my call. he let loose a full tyrannosaur 'welcome'. now i use the quotation marks because, though we t-rexs tend to greet each other with this bellow, it's not a nice greeting. unlike humans who try to get along right away; we tyrannosaurs are a little more confrontational. i guess it just shows the way times have changed.

65 million years ago you had to act big and pompous so that members of your pack took you seriously. sadly larry, and most of my relatives somehow haven't ever noticed that was then, and now millions of years later we'll never properly fit in with humans if we keep acting like the extinction event never happened.

now getting back to agent hamilton. a tyrannosaur greeting to a person (especially whose never seen a full grown t-rex before) can comes across as something between sheer terror and death itself.

i'm amazed agent hamilton didn't pass out. many others with more experience and knowledge have faired worse (most palaeontologists are known to have fainted during their first close encounter with a tyrannosaur)...

as a hardy civil servant agent hamilton was merely frozen in place gazing dumbfoundly where larry's eye had been... as larry himself just walked off.

i had finally managed to make my way to agent hamilton. "are you okay?" i reluctantly asked knowing the answer all to well.

the glare agent hamilton gave me told me everything i needed to know. had i been ice i'd have been boiled instantly...

agent hamilton hauled me off to the opposite side of the duck pond from the cafe, and larry. curious how both she and ben the gardener's first instinct is to talk to me as far out of larry's presence as they can... there is hope for them yet when it comes to dealing with t-rexs!

there wasn't a whole lot of hope for me though... agent hamilton was clearly NOT happy about larry's greeting...


"mr. tyrannosaur," she started in a very angry voice. the most emotion i've ever heard in her voice funny enough, but she paused for a second recomposing herself. it didn't fool me though. i knew she was furious. "i'm not sure where to begin..."


so i decided to take the initiative, and try and stop any more damage from being done. i was pretty sure that agent hamilton's complaints and concerns were going to similar to ben's.

after i finished telling her the few details i knew:

• this wasn't a random tyrannosaur, but my cousin


• i had no prior knowledge or warning of his coming


• larry was only here to visit me, and engage in no other activities


• he was here potentially filming a movie with peter jackson


• he'd only be here in dunedin a couple weeks

"are you aware of the situation this constitutes mr. tyrannosaur?" agent hamilton said digesting the story i'd just told her.

"an ordinary visit from a distant relative?" i hopefully ventured.

"i'm aware of your limited cranial capacity mr. tyrannosaur," agent hamilton acknowledged. suddenly she pointed to larry, and her voice reverted to it's previous dark tone. "but how can even you possibly try and rationalize this as a 'ordinary' visitor?"

i was stumped... technically i didn't think he was an ordinary visitor. that alone a welcome one... i wanted him to leave even more than everyone else. i surrendered to feeling sorry for myself. i'm not sure why i felt sorry though? i hadn't done anything wrong!

"mr. tyrannosaur i'm going to level with you," agent hamilton's voice cut through my sulking to my spine. she was dead serious. "when the department agreed to allow you to stay in new zealand we were under the understanding and impression that you would be the sole member of your species to do so. the fact i suddenly, less then 6 months later, now am faced with a secondary individual is something of an alarming development."

"further more when we agreed to allow you to stay we were under the impression that you were not in fact a proper tyrannosaurus rex, but rather merely a smaller member of the tyrannosaurid family. hence the official designation tyrannasaurus rex traumadorius on your file. now your telling me that not only are you directly related to this proper specimen, but that you are indeed an individual of the same species. thus meaning that one day i could very well receive more welcomes like this afternoon's!"

i could see where this is going... but i was at a loss for words. i'd used up all my crafty thinking with ben... "i haven't grown at all in two years," i sadly stated, knowing that was hardly a defence.

"i'm going to have to conifer with the department mr. tyrannosaur on your status," agent hamilton stated... oh no! the one sentence that could finish me here in dunedin...

now i can understand perfectly why agent hamilton, and pretty much everyone else in new zealand, would be upset with the prospect of a normal tyrannosaur living in their country. their mean and dangerous brutes, but i'm NOT a normal t-rex!

i've spent my whole life living with and working with humans. to show how well i get along with humans (at least compared to other dinosaurs) i'm the only theropod in the world who speaks english. added to that i'm not a huge carnivore. i'm not even medium sized. i'm smaller than a full grown human for crying out loud!

leave it to larry JERK! king of all jerks to just show up, and half an hour later completely destroy my life (again!).

i held next to no hope as agent hamilton got on her mobile and started briefing her people about the surprise situation she'd discovered at the garden. i glared as angrily at larry as i could across the duck pond, but he didn't see me. i wished that i could somehow make him disappear, or wait better yet never exist at all!


he hadn't noticed me starring, and for the first few seconds i didn't comprehend why... that is till suddenly it hit me... larry wasn't just randomly wandering by the duck pond. he was stalking!


it was as if he knew that i had a tiny thread of a chance of surviving his visit, and so he was going to cut that as fast as possible. because you see people of the web wide world larry pounced on a couple of hapless tourists!!!


all whilst agent hamilton was in furious debate with her colleges over the phone about my fate...

for the millionthed time this day my heart stopped as larry clamped down on the two tourists, and proceeded to swallow them whole. nearly a moment later agent hamilton in the middle of her heated and furious phone call happened to look up...

i knew exactly how she felt when larry bellowed in her face that moment, and i nearly collapsed unconscious...

by some miracle agent hamilton didn't happen to look over larry's way as he finished swallowing his victims... hopefully no one will notice their missing!

i kept my eyes on larry for the next several minutes hoping beyond hope that he'd filled himself. interrupting my vigil was agent hamilton having concluded her phone call.

"well mr. tyrannosaur, your cousin," she started in a strained manner. "it appears he entered the country through legitimate, and thus legal means. we have no immediate concerns as to his activities while in new zealand."

"this incident seems to have raised the need for further consideration on part of the department regarding your status," agent hamilton continued. she glowered at me from above her sunglasses. the first time i'd ever seen agent hamilton's eyes! "i will be visiting you next month for a thorough re-examination and assessment of your biologic and behavioural threat margin."

in other words i may have gotten barely off the hook this time, but next month agent hamilton was coming back to find any excuse she could to kick me out of the country...

"good day mr. tyrannosaur," she concluded, and stormed off... it was official. agent hamilton now hated me.

before i could could brood or think about the revelations of this new fact in my existence larry stomped over to me. "so cousin show me around this place."

not only was everything in shambles and disarray, but larry was still here. he'd still be here for my to entertain and put up with for two weeks.

which brings this blog post full circle... i have have incidentally figured out how it could get worse. larry has accomplished to bulldoze major parts of my life in dunedin quite successful in his first hour here.

let us see if i can save any of it in the next 14 days!?!

to be continued...

come and C the damage

despite the fact the flood has been over for a little while sadly life hasn't quite settled to that nice stability i'd been enjoying for a few months. the flood left quite a mess through out dunedin including the botanic garden.

there's some good news and some bad news when i got back home after the flood ended on my birthday (of all times for it to end!).

the bad news was that the dell where i live had been pretty thoroughly soaked and boggified.

the good news was that i don't owe a lot of stuff, and what little i did have stayed nice and dry with me at salmond during the flood.

another bit of bad news i'd totally forgotten about, was one of my directives from the department of conservation:

C. Must report to the Department of Conservation

any change in habitat, territory, or ecosystem

within 24 hours of change

though i hadn't given my conservation directives a second thought there was someone else who had...

my attaché with DOC agent hamilton was very eager to checkup on me. especially in light of the flood...

last time she'd visited i didn't quite manage to get on her good side. not that i got on her bad side either... she is just intimidating to be honest, and i had no idea how to make sure she didn't hate me.

i mean after all i can't have the person whose in charge of my living in this country not like me. that'd make life unfun in a hurry... or so i'd think... with my small brain...

agent hamilton showed up in the middle of the afternoon. not a time i would have expected a visit from DOC... which was kind of the idea i think.

during her last visit agent hamilton had insisted on NOT entering the dell due to fears of disturbing my habitat. even though she hadn't seen it she knew exactly where to look for it.

i became aware of something not quite normal when i caught the scent of someone coming down the path (we t-rexs have pretty dare good senses of smell). it's unusual for people to wander into the dell due to the urban legend of the dell being a maze of doom...

man was i surprised when that person wandering in was agent hamilton!

"ah good," said agent hamilton as she walked up to me. "i'm glad you are home mr. tyrannosaur."

"you can call me traumador," i prompted. nobody ever calls me by my last name.

"i wish to inspect the damage caused by the flood," she ignored me.

"well other then a bit of erosion and swampyness everything is pretty much alright," i reported.

"so there have been changes to your territory as a result of the flood," agent hamilton made a note in her book.

"just a few little ones," i wanted to impress her by pointing them out. "like this new little drain creek here, and the bog mud here."

cutting me off though. "mr. tyrannosaur you are aware that you are currently in violation of article C of your conservation directives?" she was clearly unhappy.

"uh no," my heart sank. i thought i'd been doing really good in everything up till now. suddenly i wasn't...

"i'm going to consider this a warning to you mr. tyrannosaur," her voice was icy. "but in the future i highly suggest you reference your directives at least once a week to ensure that you are in compliance with them."

"okay," i sadly replied. so much for the stability of the before. also so much for getting on agent hamilton's good side. this was so getting on her bad side...

"fortunately this incident was a minor violation of article C. in the future event of a similar natural disaster please contact us to alert us of its effecting you. we can not ensure your survival unless we are given adequate information. now let us consider that topic taken care of," she made another note in her book. "i wish to see your habitat. if you could guide me i'd greatly appreciate it."

well okay i thought. maybe this was a chance to redeem myself!

so off we went on a grand tour of my humble jungle like home. the whole while agent hamilton happily wrote down notes in her book... wonder what it says about me?

after the grand 10 minute tour and returning to where we'd started agent hamilton had a few questions.

"so that constitutes your whole range?" she asked.

"what?" i was confused. "i don't have a range. i'm a close proximity predator. constitution? i'm really not following you agent hamilton?"

she paused for a moment. "sorry mr. tyrannosaur. i forgot about your unique cerebral characteristics," she'd lost me again... "was everything you showed me your current territory?"

"oh," i exclaimed. why didn't she just ask that? still not sure what firing ranges and governments have to do with my home? "yeah that's pretty much it."

"i see," she wrote a longish bit to that one. "are you aware of the specific nature of this particular section of the garden?"

"uh maybe?" i replied unsure. i knew lots of things about it, but not "specific" things.

"as the agent in charge of your conservation mr. tyrannosaur i feel it is my duty to alert you to the hazardous nature of this dell system," agent hamilton said in a serious voice, which coming from her was really serious!

"the ghosts?!?" i interrupted. man that night had scared me.

agent hamilton raised her eyebrow. "ghosts?"

i told her the details of my run in with the eerie light and voices. she made several notes in her book.

"i can't verify or comment on this disruption to your lifestyle. i'll have someone from the department look into it," i had clearly thrown her off track. "however back to the subject i was discussing before this... new detail. are you aware of this area being part of "the maze"?"

"hold up, i thought the maze was just a myth?" i tried not to show the fear in my voice. now i'm not saying i didn't believe ben when he told me that story about the dell being some sort of crazy maze that people get lost in. i was just kinda hoping he was pulling my leg or telling a tall tale...

agent hamilton suddenly went slightly stiff in her composure. "officially mr. tyrannosaur there is no evidence to confirm or deny the existence of such a maze," she suddenly drew in closer and lowered her sun glasses. "unofficially you are living in the gateway to a very dangerous patch of forest mr. tyrannosaur."

i suddenly became somewhat alarmed.

"at the same time," agent hamilton seemed to have had a thought. "now that i think about it, i am quite pleased at this choice of habitat."

what?!? how could living on the edge of a maze of doom be a good thing???

"you'll be safe from poachers and hunters in this section," she went on. "that and predators."

i was going to say something, but agent hamilton looked at me squarely. "i assure you both on and off the record this spot is probably the safest for you in dunedin. however ensure you don't wander past your current range... sorry i mean territory."

"if you say so," i hesitantly agreed.

"i do," she jotted down some notes. "i'm concluding this check up. contact me or the department if you experience any problems, and mr. tyrannosaur make sure you follow your directives from now on!"

with that agent hamilton was gone as suddenly as she had appeared...

man this changed my whole day and out look on things.

not only had i made a mess of things with DOC, but the maze i was living beside was known and feared by more then just ben... even the department of conservation was worried about it... if their scared of it then what hope do i have of not being...

signs of success

well things have been fairly uneventful in my life people of the innerweb as of late. a bit of a shock to hear i'm sure, cause it has been a shock to me!

this week a fairly noteworthy event has occurred to disrupt my newly emerging normality though...

i stand here at the entrance to the dell (my new home here in the botanic garden) and admire the new OFFICIAL sign denoting my occupancy of the area.

it's official issue from the department of conservation, and is part of my new protection program. man that just sounds so cool, having my own conservation program... and it is even cooler then it sounds!

oh wait how rude of me people of the innerweb... i haven't told you that story yet have i!

well it all started yesterday morning...

a visitor arrived bright and early in the morning at the park... not an unusual occurrence i guess, come to think of it. we do get a LOT of visitors here a day!... but this would be no ordinary visitor...

she probably would have gone unnoticed like the countless hundreds others who have passed through the gardens since i moved in, but there was something about her that was different...

a presence i guess would be the best way to describe it... the very way she walked about the upper gardens with a sense of purpose denoted something unusual about her being here...

like the very capable and diligent headmaster of the gardens that he is, ben the gardener picked up on her within only a few minutes. being a much braver creature then me (it must be noted people of the innerweb despite my being a potentially fierce t-rex i'm something of a "chicken"... well in more then one way i guess. we t-rexs are related to chickens...) ben went up to personally investigate our new comer...

he was surprised to learn that she already knew who he was. even more surprising was her request for him to assist her in finding me...

now of course at the time i was unaware of any of this going on below me in the main part of the garden. all i know is that i got a phone call on my still newish "cell" phone from ben asking me to come meet as he put it a "special visitor".

so like a good tenant i started on my way to meet up with my landlord, and who ever this mysterious visitor ben had spoken of... having no clue as to just how important a meeting this would end up being...

ben in the meantime being the great guy he is tried to be a friendly host/facilitator by making small talk. our guest though would have none of it...

leaving poor ben in something of a lurch. he's not the sort to have people be unsociable to him (which is funny i guess... you'd think someone who spends a lot of time around plants would be used to not being talked to...)

instead the stranger seemed to be observing and scrutinizing everything as she walked. sizing up the whole garden for some unknown reason...

it was about this time that i entered the picture... in more then one way in fact! cause hey here i am in this picture hehehehe...

ben proceeded to introduce me to the stranger. from whom he had only gotten a name... and who she worked for.

"traumador this is agent hamiliton. she's from the department of conservation, and she's here to see you" ben said as politely as he could, though it was clear he wanted to leave the presence of our slight icy guest...

for a second i was really excited! man i'd been waiting for the D.O.C. (that's fancy movie type talk for department of conservation! who thought i'd get to cut down a big long title like that just like a movie boy oh boy!) to contact me for a little while here. cutting my enthusiasm short...

"excellent. thank you for your assistance," agent hamiliton said to ben. "you may go now."

wow that was almost rude i thought. she then turned to me. "we can get started now mr. tyrannosaur."

oh man i was primed. get started on my conservation program... not that i knew what that actually meant, but it sounded big and impressive...

"i'll need to see exactly where you've established your new habitat," requested (well almost came across as more of an order come to think of it) agent hamilton.

as i lead the way to the dell i started asking a ton of questions about agent hamilton, the D.O.C., and all sorts of other stuff... come to think of it why i asked her whether santa was ACTUALLY real may have been bad for a first impression...

much to my surprise she simply ignored my questions and was writing things down in her notebook... which as far as i can tell is part of her arm. cause she never puts it down...

due to her lack of talking to me... which was quite disconcerting i assure you people of the innerweb... the walk up to the dell seemed to take forever... it probably didn't help that we slowed down a number of times cause she had to take notes...

at the entrance to the dell we stopped. that surprised me as i was going to take her down to show her my home.

"i'm not properly appraised nor equipped for that in depth an investigation today," she countered my direct invitation to go into the dell.

i was confused...

"mr. tyrannosaur the purpose of my visit today is simply to establish the baseline for your protection program," agent hamilton started noting my confounded look. "if i were to enter into your habitat today without proper knowledge of your behaviour or biologic needs, i could cause critical disruptions to your well being."

"uh but i just offered," i said thinking this was 'proper knowledge' enough.

"now i'm going to need to know a few things," she kept going ignoring me. "what is the approximate extent of your territory in the dell?"

"uh," i hesitated. based on her thus far stern and very serious nature i didn't want to answer the part of the dell that wasn't part of ben's fabled scary maze. so i opted for answering"the usable part."

"am i correct in assuming you establish a territory then?" she seemed to be interrogating me... like on a TV show or something...

"i guess so," i was kinda scared now that i'd answer wrong and fail a test or something.

"are you meeting your basic sustenance and shelter needs in this range?" she eyed me.

"huh?" i've never taken a basic sustaining shelter course before!

"you have enough food and acceptable shelter here," agent hamilton seemed to be getting impatient with me.

"oh. yeah, and if not there's a fish and chips shop just across the road," i replied. realizing i hadn't been specific. "uh that's for either more food or shelter."

"right," she seemed unhappy with that response as she wrote in her notes. "lastly what impacts have humans been having directly on your range?"

now as i've been trying to improve my out look on life and not focus on the negatives lately, people of the web wide world i haven't mentioned one of the problems with my new home...

"people walking through the dell or the rest of the garden have... well been kinda, getting scared when they see me," i answered.

"and?" agent hamilton didn't seem happy about that answer either...

"it's just i don't like making people scream is all," i hesitantly replied. i didn't want to get people in trouble, and i worried maybe my answer might do just that...

"consider it taken care of," hamilton looked up from the last note she scribbled down. "we were going to zone this off anyway. i'll just make sure it happens immediately so this noise pollution doesn't bother you anymore."

what? zone off? am i playing a sport suddenly that i was unaware of?

"right," she interrupted my pondering of her last statement. "that concludes my initial queries for now."

agent hamilton turned and started to walk away from the dell back towards the main gardens...

i was kinda caught off guard by this, and had to run to catch up with her. when i did without looking agent hamilton started talking to me...

"now mr. tyrannosaur for the last month and a half you're existence here in new zealand was, to put it gently nebulous," what does my life have to do with space clouds?

"as of this morning you and your case have been completely registered within the department of conservation, and as of such you are now our responsibility. we are going to be taking every precaution and measure we can to ease your integration into new zealand's biosphere, while at the same time hopefully impacting on your existence as little as possible."

"at the same time it must be said that unlike the month and half leading up to now things are going to be a little different," she almost turned to look at me. "you've been allowed to settle into your new surroundings and hopefully adapt to the native ecosystem without interference. more to the point you haven't had to deal with us at the department much. as of today that changes mr. tyrannosaur."

"from here on in you will be officially monitored and checked up on as per standard procedure for endangered species such as yourself. furthermore i must once again remind you of the official protocols and procedures placed on you by your conservation directives. you must remember to adhere to those directives ALL the time from here on in."

"apart from that this concludes this official first checkup," she reached into her pocket. "here is my contact information should you need to contact me about anything, especially your directives. i will be your contact to the department, and as of such don't feel hesitant to talk to me about any problems you might be experiencing."

though i had a gazillion questions i didn't want to invoke her stern look or make her mad by asking them so with that she promptly made her way out of the park...

this morning i was awoken by the sound of what sounded like drills...

investigating i was shocked to discover someone had posted a number of these signs at the entrances to the dell...

their again official issue from the department of conservation which is kinda cool.

so there we go people of the innerweb. quite a bit has happened from one visitor...

all i'm left wondering is why does the sign say "beware" of tyrannosaur... don't you think that will just make people more scared of me?...

confusion calls! (the visitor part 0)

isn't life confusing?!?

i've always thought so, but hey i guess with a brain the size of a peanut things don't make as much sense to me as to others... bear with me, but as you'll see everything i've dealt with today has mucked up my understanding of the world...

so in my effort to settle into a "normal" life i've just gotten the means to stay "in touch" with people... though i'm very confused as to how i'm touching them, and more to the point why they'd want me to touch them? my claws are kinda sharp...

why do i need to be able to "reach" people?... okay you humans have weird phrases for saying talking to... this would be me worse then touching people! my arms are way too short to reach anything!!!...

well back to the question i asked in the first place... why do i need to be able to "reach" people? the department of conservation insisted that i get in contact with them fairly soon so that they can start their monitoring and conservation program around me... i am again the only tyrannosaur in new zealand, making me very endangered...


there was one other person i hadn't talked to in far too long as well... that was of course my agent peter bond...

so to solve this overall communication problem i seemed to have built up too... which can happen when you waste two months on a countdown of doom!... i popped into a store on my way to work and bought a "cell" phone (the major cause of my confusion other then these language things)...


well here i am in the midst of my first call totally baffled out of my tiny brain. i know i called peter, and that i was supposed to be talking to him about progressing my life, but it's not working the way my old phone in canada worked!

but i guess i'm jumping to the middle of the story. sorry about that people of the innerweb. see all this confusion... it just doesn't suit me so well...

let's jump to right after i bought my new "phone"...

2 hours earlier...

having just bought this new phone i went into work at the otago museum. with no sign of intrusion or danger to the galleries or displays i figured i could waste some time to investigate my phone.

after all what did they mean by "cell" phone?

_

now i couldn't see how my phone was alive, that alone made of cells. as far as i could tell it was like any other ordinary phone... only missing a cord... yet the name implied it was some sort of bacterial communication wonder. i just wasn't getting something about this!

i resorted to the only thing that made sense to me... SCIENCE!

to do so i made use of the bestest tool for the job... conveniently placed within a few meters of my optimum patrol spot at work. so if anything did happen to my charge (the museum's stuff) i'd be in position to act!...

that tool. the microbescope! its like i told you people of the innerweb, it totally is coming in handy!

placing my new acquisition under the scope i was going to learn its secrets...

okay even though i've worked in various museums throughout the years (well okay two. the tyrrell for 3 years, and the otago museum for 3 weeks) and seen countless people operate scopes of various sorts, the thing is i still have no clue how to use one!

i've always wanted to be a sciencologist, but naturally my brain capacity has been a limitation. proving that i just can't do it i can't even work the most basic of science instruments. a microbescope.

when i try to look at the cells in my phone all i get is a big phone shaped back thing in the lens! so totally not like guys who work these things in the movies see!

so here was confusion point the first people of the web wide world...

i had hoped my confusion would remain to just this one major, but indirect enigma. alas it wasn't to be. cause the instant i made my first call i was in for a humdinger...

answering my call was none other then peter bond... special talent agent extraordinaire.

this time he said he was somewhere in London, and though he claimed it was the high life he was seeking there i coulda sworn it sounded a little dodgy (in kiwi that means suspicious). what with sirens and similar things in the background... or so i thought... he reassured me that it was just filming of a new movie... alright why would peter lie to me?

he was pleased (as he always is) to hear from me. "it's been a long time traum baby!"

i told him all about my last month and a half...

by the end of the story he was very impressed."traum i'm loving the fact that you solved all that, and didn't need my help once. i wish all my assets or uh clients i mean were so self managing as you."

"the only thing i want you to do traum is to work on spicing up your blog a bit more," was peter's only compliant.

i really wanted to know what he had in mind for my blog. i told him some of the stuff i'd done like beefing up the sidebar with things like the rearranging of my links (oh people of the innerweb if there are broken links cause of that please let me know), posting the tyrannosaur poem, and putting the cast of my life on there. also my new blog banner and blog title...

expecting him to deliver me a wealth of his talenty knowledge on how to make my blog even better suddenly something happened on peter's end that confused me...

out of no where i heard another phone ring!?! thinking it was just someone else's, and that peter was just close to them, i asked him some more questions about my blog. suddenly he interrupted me "sorry traumador. i'm going to have take this text. i'll be right back okay."

just like that MY talent agent put me on hold! well or at least he held my phone away from him as he proceeded to call someone else on his other phone...

i couldn't make much out of the other conversation, but i coulda sworn i heard him say the name larry... which would be a big coincidence considering my cousin of the same name... but i guess peter as the highly skilled talent agent he is would have a lot of clients, and surely odds are high that one would have a name similar to my cousin... the odds of him being the agent to two t-rexs though that seems less... doesn't it?

so here i was. with my new mysterious cell phone. able to call anyone from anywhere, and my special talent agent wasn't willing to talk to me... i was mighty confused about that!

it's about here i started to tell the story isn't it people of the web wide world isn't it?

i think this part is what confused me most. peter is my special talent agent. why isn't he helping me with my special talents? i called first. whoever this other person is can't they wait. they did call after me. i have to wait for things all the time when i'm not the first person there... isn't that how it works?

man just when i thought things were turning around for me, and back to good...

finally peter came back on "traum are you still there?" he asked. "look i know this is a funny request, but can you give me your current address?" right after he asked that though he said a strange thing "yeah he's here."

whose here? i hadn't said anything that alone about anybody... then i realized. he was still talking to the other person, and now me at the same time! what was going on?

reluctantly i told him... if i couldn't trust my talent agent who could i trust after all... as i told him my details he repeated them... clearly for the other person to get...

after i was done telling him "you get all that... perfect... absolutely... that's what i'm here for... don't mention it... you take it easy you big lug. be in touch soon," peter happily concluded. with that i could tell he'd hung up on the mystery caller...

"who was that?" i wanted to know.

"oh no one too important," peter seemed to hesitate. "just one of my more high needs clients. definitely not of your stability or potential let me assure you though. have to give guys like him a little extra love and care. they can't all be troopers like you my little predatory friend!"

well that would explain why that person took priority over me i guess... i did manage to wait patiently... then something else occurred to me...

"why did they need my address though?" i inquired.

"oh that," if i didn't know any better i could have sworn peter was at a loss for words. however with my peanut brain i don't know any better... "i was just facilitating a possible gig for you is all, but of course they need your contact info."

huh? peter wasn't making sense.

"wait wasn't that a client not a employer?" i was even more confused then all the times earlier in the day.

"remember traumador i have many different types of clients. i am a talent agent after all, and people and dinosaurs mind you all have different kinds of talents," he quickly answered. "point is this you might get a visit in the near future from my client with a very important offer that could do wonders for your future, but they've asked me not to divulge too much in fears of... well let's just say risking your success."

what? a visit? from who? man i seriously was wondering if i'd gone insane or something. or my brain had finally been overloaded with enough!

"let's refocus this onto you traumador," peter went on." as for your blog, here's what i want you to do. all those touches on the sidebar and layout are good, but you need to improve the content. stop telling us just stuff about what you're up to. tell us what you think and feel about the human world. let us see the sensitive, and thinking dinosaur you are. let us the outside world see why it is that you deserve to be allowed into our world, and deserve to be allowed you do traum!"

okay that was more like it!

i forgot for that moment what had just happened. my talent agent was back, and man was he telling me what i needed it hear!

i'd have to figure out what was need to up the anti on my blog, and what new things i could do to increase its "traumador identity"...

writing about the whole day here now though i still agree i need to do that to my blog... but i also have to wonder what this whole "you might get a visit in the near future" business was about too...