leaping lizards... the ski jump!

[Production Note: Our apologies to a number of people of flickr. We have "borrowed" all the pictures with a ski jump in this post from various people on flickr. However due to the installation of some new software on our PIP computer, the bookmarks for these were all lost. If you are one of the photographers who took these shots we will take down any of these shots if you wish, but please take the spirit of fun we've used them for in mind (and we are making no money off of any of them)]

it was finally the beginning of my special talent agent peter bond's grand scheme... the dinosaur winter OH-lympics.

i wish i could say i was excited about the games, as games are supposed to be fun aren't they? instead i was looking at the prospective of losing all my money if the games "failed".

even worse the first "game" didn't look all that fun to me. not one bit, and i'm looking at it right now!!!

lillian was a bit more than nervous about this ski jumping of peter's. so like any good (wannabe) boyfriend i accompanied her up to the top of the tower to look down the ramp she'd be zooming down in under an hour...

to say it was scary would be understating it, people of the innerweb. it was downright terrifying, and i wasn't even the one having to go down it.

lillian in proper tyrannosaurian fashion acted like she wasn't afraid. "this isn't much higher than a coulee in the badlands." she weakly dismissed. only i could see through her lie, being a tyrannosaur myself. her mouth was slightly a gap, a tell tale signs all was not well with her.

i decided to leave it though. in my experience most tyrannosaurids (apart from me) can get very testy when you question their bravery and other such nonsense. in my experience if you're scared, its best to just let it out. otherwise you'll do silly things later anyway (at least if you're me again).

i wished lillian good luck as the other competitors started to show up. it was time for me to head to the back of the tower as a non-jumper. lillian didn't respond to me, and just kept starring down the ramp before us. i didn't blame her for the rudeness this time. i'd be pretty wrapped up in the moment if i was in her claws.

however i was about head up to the observation deck, lillian turned and called after me. "thank you for coming up with me traumador. the company was very nice before... well you know."

as much as i stood to lose from these OH-lympics, one bright side of the whole affair was starting to emerge. i was starting to make considerable gains with the girl of my dreams...

taking my seat waiting for the event to start, suddenly a number of TVs set up on the ski jump turned on. a rather catchy jingle starting playing as a very familiar voice began to speak.

Welcome ladies and gentlemen to a special public access cable, channel 299.5, presentation. Tonight we bring you the debut of a sporting event of geologic proportions... the first ever Dinosaur Winter Games!!!

As the music cranked to epic levels the screen cut to two broadcasters... well people pretending to broadcasters... and i could see why the voice was familiar.

I am Peter Bond...

my talent agent introduced himself, but than paused. silence followed.

Ahem!

Oh right sorry, and I am Gus Richards.

Peter's co host finally introduced himself.

You didn't say how stressful this would be when we went to live. Just look at that little "on the air" light blinking...

Not NOW Gus!

Oh right sorry ladies and gentlemen. This is my first gig on TV, and I'm a little nervous.

Nothing the good folks at home *cough* need to know about Gus!

So here we are coming at you live from beautiful Vancouver, where the conditions are perfect today for our first Olympic event, the Saurian ski jump.

Another pause.

Ahem ahem!

Ah, yes Peter... where, uh. Five teams from around the worm... no sorry world are about to compete for... hmmm the gory. Oh, glory of being the best Dinosaurs of all time... in winner sport.

That's winter sport!

Sorry man, its hard to read your hand writing! Couldn't you have typed that up or something before hand!

gus suddenly realized yet again he'd embarrassed himself on TV and looked blankly at the camera. peter clearly muddled himself by his co anchor's nerves pressed on in typical chipper bond fashion.

The first team to take to the air today is team Australia.

That's right Peter. Today Australia will be represented by Rang the Leaellynasauras.

Indeed, as today all our Prehistoric teams are only allowed to field only one athlete to compete in the Ski Jump. Though rest assured folks, we have plenty of team sports coming up later in the games!

We now go live to the ski jump, where Rang is about to make the first jump of the day...

we all held our breath, as the little aussie dinosaur confidently, and frankly bravely pushed himself down the ramp. if i had to guess i'd say he was completely unphased by the prospect of shooting down the giant tower at break neck speeds, flying off high in the air, and soaring across hundreds of meters!

What a beautiful jump!

You sound surprised Gus.

I am actually. I figured this would just be a joke that played out as a horror show.

Ahem!

I mean I was expecting more... suspense than this.

HAHAHA yes. Back to our Australian jumper.

Based on all the ski jumping I've ever seen I'd say Rang is doing quite well. Won't you agree???

Absolutely. He is showing excellent flying position.

I believe in ski jumping they call it form.

Exactly what fantastic form our little friend from down under is showing!

What would you place Australia's chances at Peter?

We're not expecting the Aussie's to be the strongest contender in many of these events. With the ski jump in particular I believe the Australian coach has made the mistake of picking one of her lightest team members. A number of the coaches opted for their biggest and heaviest Dinosaurs, as they should be propelled faster and further.

The grace and agility we're seeing in the air won't be a factor then you don't think?

Of course n...

Rang finally came to the ground, way near the bottom of the hill...

One hundred metres?!? As I was saying before Gus, I totally believed that Rang's grace and ability...

Agility!

Yes agility were going to be key factors in a successful jump!

Right...

Anyways what was your expert opinion on that jump Gus?

Expert? Well having watched the odd round of ski jumping in the past, I'd say for a first jump, 100 metres is pretty good! It sets the bar high, and shows that Australia may just be a contender in these winter games after all!

That remains to be seen, Gus. As several teams coming up have fielded their true heavy weights into the competition. If Rang weighing in at a mere 10 kilograms can jump 100 metres, let's see how far a multi ton beast can go!!!

Next up we have your very own team Canada's Lillian about to make the jump.

You mean all of Canada's don't you.

No I mean it is your team. Isn't it.

HAHAHAHAHA *whispered* I was going to try to keep a lid on my coaching status. We're supposed to impartial right *resuming normal volume* So team Canada's coach looks like he was wisely chosen his largest biped for the jump. Let's she how she does.

the moment of truth came, as lillian braced herself for launch. i could barely watch as she pushed off and propelled down the ramp!

within a matter of seconds lillian was sky bound! you know for a mutant multi ton relative of a bird, lillian was doing pretty good at showing her lineage to avians... you know without the feathers, or flapping, or properly flying.

There can not possibly have been a more intimidating... errr I mean spectacular sight ever seen coming down a ski jump hill. A Tyrannosaurus Rex...

Albertosaurus Gus. An Albertosaurus. *whispering* Trust me she gets a little grumpy if you mix it up, and a you won't know the difference between an Albertosaur and Tyrannosaur when their grumpy if you follow me!

Sorry an Albertosaurus, majestically flying through the air.


Oh and she is about to make her landing! How far will team Canada make it with Lillian's 2 ton bulk propelling her.

What an upset! Despite her considerable weight advantage, Lillian comes in at only 67 metres! Putting Team Canada in second on only jump number 2!

That can't be...

What's that Peter?

I could have sworn she'd be a clincher being so heavy, and... Oh I'm sorry. Like I was saying Gus, that can't be the start that Team Canada was looking for here in the first game.

We next come to Team China, who are clearly going to want to get ahead of at least Team Canada with Lillian's considerably shorter jump than Team Australia's Rang.

Indeed Gus. Now the Chinese coach has opted for a different tactic of ski jumper than the other big weight teams such as Canada and Gondwana. Despite having the choice of two potentially large jumpers, China has opted for their most compact big Dinosaur Lao-Gui Meng the Pinacosaur. The theory being that a more condensed heavy animal will be propelled that much further.

An interesting strategy. Well it won't take too much, apart from a good jump, to probably out do Canada's 67 metres. Though to catch up to current front runner Australia's 100 might prove a bit more difficult.

Well we're about to find out, as Lao-Gui takes to the air!

An excellent start to the jump too...

You know I was wrong about Lillian's jump. What we are now watching now has to be the most unique ski jump EVER!


Indeed who would have guessed something so bulky as an armoured Dinosaur would look so graceful in the air?

For those who were wondering Lao-Gui name in Chinese means Ancient Turtle.


I wasn't Gus, but I guess after today no one will be able to say Loud Gway is an old fart after today.

Actually Peter, in her native China the turtle is seen a being of great wisdom and patience. So I don't think the name would carry the same demeaning nature it does here in North America. That and you said her name wro...

So like I said I don't think anyone will make fun of our flying turtle again.

Oh no! but what a short lived time in the air! Landing at the mere 1 metre mark!


It would appear China's plan on using its most compact heavy weight has completely backfired! As Lao-Gui lands within a moment of taking off. What a shame for Team China, who now take third.


Sadly a very easy to out do third though Peter.


Indeed Gus, and I think the Americans are keen to seize it too! Team America has opted for a light weight jumper much like Australia.


Yes only this one has a heavy something or other. Starting with a k?


That would be head, Gus. It says head.


Look dude, you're hand writing isn't that good.


The American jumper, Bronko the Stygimoloch, weighing in at about twice the weight of Rang may present Australia with their real first challenge to their first place jump. Only unlike the truly light weight Leaellynasauras, Bronko's head is made of dense armoured bone. Possibly giving him a little more propolution, and the edge to victory.

Or we might see a combination of both Rang and Lao-Gui's jumps.

How would that work? The best and the worst jumps put together, what we'd get the medium jump?

Hey don't look at me. This commentator thing is hard. I just said it is it seemed a natural connection.

Well we'll find out if this is the unlikely combination Gus predicts, or if the Americans are about to make Dinosaur Olympic history!

I didn't predict...

Shhhhh Bronko is taking off!

And a good take off so far.

Bronko is making this look easy. Even more so than Rang from Australia did.

Indeed, perfect form up there. However I can't help but notice Bronko is holding his head very oddly.

I see what you mean Gus. It would appear our Pachycephalosaur is using his very heavy head to steer to a greater degree than our previous jumpers.

Oh and it looks like it is going to pay off for our hard headed American jumper!

Bronko still hasn't touched down as he passes the 70 metre mark... now the 80!... Oh my the 90... and Bronko will come down on the 96 metre mark! A mere 4 metres from first place!!!

That must be real frustrating to Team American.

Yet to jump into second place, that isn't too bad.

Indeed, putting our standings currently at Australia in first, America in second, Canada in third, and China in fourth. However our last jumper of the day from Team Gondwana could very well change all this.

That's right Gus, as Team Gondwana is taking heavy weight ski jumping to its extreme! Both Team China and Team Canada fielded Dinosaur jumpers who weighed a "mere" 2 tons. Gondwana's Sansom the Spinosaur comes in at a whopping 8 tons! Meaning we'll really get to see if there is anything in sending such huge jumpers down our hill today!

Indeed Peter. So far we've seen that the lighter and more agile jumpers have had the most like in gliding down the hill. Our heavy weights however have both had different problems. In the case of China it was too much weight and their jumper simply fell out of the air right away. Canada on the other hand had a descent jump, but that weight just didn't propell their jumper enough to beat the light weights from gliding past.

However if a 2 ton Albertosaur can shot 67 metres, will a 8 ton Spinosaur go that much further?

We are about to find out, as here goes Sansom!

Nice form in the initial take off. I don't know, Gus, based on the speed and air this massive theropod has so far, I'm thinking Australia and America could be in trouble.

I'm agreeing Peter. Though Sansom isn't gliding gracefully, his weight is carrying him like a cannon ball. I think his target is gold too!


Oh but what is this?!?

We're seeing Sansom experience some trouble midair!

What's happening?

I think the wind is catching the giant sail on Sansom's back! Oh no and it is blowing Gondwana's jumper off course...

Sansom is coming down the finally stage of the hill, but he is looking really out of control ladies and gentlemen!

This is going to be close folks! Currently he has just passed the 90 metre mark, meaning if he can land this Sansom will clinch victory for Team Gondwana...

OH NO!
OH NO!

Sansom has landed in the audience... Thank goodness I required those release forms with ever ticket!

Oh this is terrible. Not only does Team Gondwana come in last for not landing, but now its jumper and many spectaters could be seriously hurt...

We're getting reports that Sansom, apart from a hurt ego, has managed to pick himself up and is okay.

Hows that Peter?

It appears uh... several patrons broke his fall.

Yuck!

Indeed Gus.

Well there you have it. Team Australia wins the event, the United States comes in second, and Canada comes in third.

So be sure to tune in later this week as our coverage of the first ever Dinosaur Winter games continues! In the meantime I have some free tickets to give out to some mad squished people!

wait are those people going to be mad at me for funding the OH-lympics?

peter has now repeatedly assured me no one was permenantly squished from having the full grown bull spinosaur land on them. does that mean they were temporarily squished then? how can you be temporarliy squished?...

To be Continued:

With more events. So like the commentators said stay tuned!

the mis-information age (the visitor part 10) (enemy! part 5) (taniwha part 0)

day 9 of my cousin larry's unannounced and unplanned for visit . the longer it goes on, the more my life in dunedin ceases to be what it had been before larry's popping in.

man it's making me yearn for the good "old" days, and by old i mean ancient, of 65 million years ago larry is always going on about...

sure i'd have been part of a competitive and aggressive pack of my own kind. sure i'd have stood no chance in such a setting due to my size and lack of development. sure i'd never known the joys of friendship, civilization, puters, fountains, or the dictionary, but at least i wouldn't have to watch the deconstruction of everything i'd built in the civilized world...

today started off innocent enough... well at least as innocent as it can when you have a fully grown bull tyrannosaurus rex crashing at your place (even if it is a botanic garden you happen to live in)...

all was innocent, except for one out of place truck parked outside salmond hall this morning...

little did i suspect that the germ-man had prepared he's greatest strike yet... how was i too know... i hadn't figured out he was behind larry's terrible tumble the other day at bench hill...

yet in his cold calculating germ-mind, the germ-man had thought of a way for his tripping larry with a banana peel to trigger something far more sinister. one that was going to make me and larry regret some of our actions earlier in the week... and make my future in new zealand a whole lot more complicated...

at around 6:30 i got a call from my landlord ben the gardener on my "cell"phone.

"traumador you better find a TV now!" ben urged me.

larry didn't feel like coming to see what ben's concern was about, being still a little sore and stiff from his tumble the other day. though we tyrannosaurs are built tough, taking a full-on fall down a hill weighing 6 tonnes is still going to muck you up.

arriving at the garden cafe a few minutes later i found everyone, staff and costumers, with their heads all glued to the TV in the corner...

it was the middle of the evening news, but instantly my total attention was caught by the next segment. "now a special investigative report examining a growing threat to public safety that has developed in dunedin the last week."
_
it switched to some reporting standing in front of salmond hall. for a moment i was overwhelmed with thinking (which if you have a brain as small as mine is a bit of a big deal). public safety risk, and here he was in front of a place that many of my friends (namely owain and craig) lived at!?! were they in danger? were they going to be on TV?!? why hadn't they told me!?!?!

little did it occur to despite all this thinking that i should have considered the story would be about ME!

snapping me back to the moment having missed the reporters introduction to himself and the piece. "tonight my investigation looks at the increasing presence and menace of dinosaurs here in dunedin. over the past week news one has been bringing you coverage of the attack by a tyrannosaurus rex on a car unprovoked here in otago, but in this exclusive report we bring to light a number of other terrifying and shocking developments in this prehistoric invasion of the south island."

my heart skipped a beat...

"this was the scene just three days ago, when a jurassic killer," man do reporters ever do any research on things before they report them? cretaceous. cretaceous killer! "attempted to attack a student here at salmond college student residence."

oh no i thought. how could i have let larry talk me into his plan of getting the germ-man back? okay on the one hand it was easy for larry to convince me. the germ-man had thrown me off a stair case just due to getting his shirt wet, but i should have thought things through.

cause what came across on TV made us look real bad... i never even thought for a second about how busy salmond hall is. there are students wandering in and out of that place all day and night! of course some of the other students would have seen our prank on the germ-man. luck would have it that one of them had a camera, and worse yet with a video function.

larry was right a full on tyrannosaur roar would scare humans. even after the fact on TV. cause everyone one around me in the cafe jumped when larry let his patented bellow out at the germ-man.

next thing i knew there on screen was the germ-man himself. "the survivor of the attack one andreas von schnitzie, a german exchange student told news one his story."

_

"so there i was, yeah right, minding the business and suddenly i noticed ripples in mine water cup glass," the germ-man started. "so i was like 'oh my goodness there are ripples in mine water cup glass. i should go look around for the cause... with my eyes'. "
_

"next things i know this giant lizard appeared at the transparent wall..."

so far i couldn't say the germ-man had done anything bad. that is exactly what had happened.

than it came. he totally manipulated events.

"i was amazed," he started. "i'd never seen a lizard like that ever before. so i decided to get closer to the transparent wall and have a better look. again, with my eyes."

wait a second i thought watching the TV. larry ducked below the window so the germ-man couldn't him until he popped up and bellowed... than it dawned on me. the germ-man just claimed he'd never seen a "lizard" like larry before. which was a blatant lie. a lie that got worse!

"what a beautiful and magnificent creature i thought to mineself. all i wanted was to peacefully look at this lizard. that i point out had wandered up to mine home, not the other way around!" the germ-man buttered up his side of the story. "it waited there for me to come in closer. once i was in striking distance it tried to attack me!"

i could hear people in the cafe whispering angrily to each other... they were actually buying the germ-man's bogus story!

the germ-man on screen, as though to mock me, started to fake cry. "all i wanted to do was look at such a magnificent animal. what does it do, but try to end mine life."


"despite he's close brush in with the primal killer, mr. von schnitzie doesn't hold a grudge," the reporter interjected for a moment.

cutting back to the germ-man looking more composed after his faked upsetness "no i do not believe we should judge the beast too harshly. for after all it is far stupider than we human beings."

the reporter asked of the germ-man. "so would you say that you still feel safe after this incident?"

the germ-man looked directly at the camera, and it seemed through the TV past the rest of the audience in the cafe at me...


"though i don't think the beast knew what it was doing, i can not say i feel that means it is safe. afterall this thing came up to mine home here in the middle of the city. i was just lucky it was too dumb to smash through the transparent wall," my stomach knotted as i knew that the reporter believed every word the germ-man was saying. "i would caution everyone elses in dunedin to be on the lookout for this beast, and others like it. whether they be big or untiny. they are naturally blood thirsty and seem to want to eat the flesh of peoples."
_
"it is from this brave university student we have a chilling picture of these prehistoric beasts," the reporter went on. "which had until last week been unheard of here in new zealand. though thus far everyone who has close encounters with them has lived to tell the tale how much longer will this be the case?"
_
"just last week a mere block from salmond college another incident with a tyrannosaur unfolded that paints a bleak picture for dunedin's human residents. In this news one exclusive video, we have more evidence of the destructive and quite probably deadly nature of these colossal animals."
_

suddenly on the screen was footage of larry's fall at bench hill. the report described the event "in the middle of the after noon a stumbling, possibly drunk, tyrannosaurus rex fell in a section of the dunedin botanic garden causing $5,000 damage. more to the point ladies and gentlemen it is not hard to imagine the effect this falling giant would have had if people had been in the area at the time."
_
the reporter started to editorialize about if parks were unsafe where were people safe? what about our children? etc...
_
i stopped paying attention. my brain fixated on where did they get that footage of the fall? no one else had been around... i know because i looked around to make sure no one had seen it!
_
than it all came together "this incident was witnessed by many," the reporter claimed. i glared up at the TV in rage. "including mr. von schnitzie." and inside my brain the answer started to click...
_
"yes the lizards are dangerous anywhere they go," entered an edited clip of the germ-man who had clearly been ranting about how dangerous t-rexs were. "just the other day a group of me and mine friends were walking through the gardens when we beheld the sight of one of the lizards falling down a hill. it was almost as though its feets were made of banana peels that slip and slide everywhere. because it just feel down out of nowhere. me and mine friends were lucky to have not been below it or we'd have been made into panned cakes."
_
of course! it all made sense now! larry couldn't have just tripped out of no where... he complained that it felt like for a moment he'd stepped on something gooey and soft leading into the fall, but all he had on his foot afterwards was a faint trace of paste (which after 6 tonnes of dinosaur on it would be all that is left of a banana peel!). more to the point i could explain how the banana got there in the first place, and that larry's fall was filmed so perfectly!
_
the germ-man!!!

it was than suddenly i realized just how much damage the germ-man had inflicted on me with this retaliatory action of his... by not only causing larry to fall, but than sick the news on us he'd completely smeared tyrannosaurus public image way beyond the stereotype!

"and what has dunedin done about this threat? just an hour after the unprovoked attack on a car the dunedin police force attempted to interdict the prehistoric threat, and stop its rampage before any of these recent events.

however despite their best efforts the police force found that it did not have the legal mandate or authority to intervene or stop the monster."

"who would possibly have put into place laws that protect such creatures from terrorizing new zealand citizens?" the reporter challenged the audience.

"none other than our own department of conservation. under the newly established extracontinental organism act of earlier this year all tyrannosaurs have become protected species of new zealand. meaning that no matter what the animals do it is illegal for anyone to interfere with its existence, unless they have a special permit from the department of conservation .

who currently has such a permit? certainly not local law enforcement officers, who were forced to back down despite their desire to protect the people of otago.

thus far the only person that news one has been able to find with such a permit is one conservation officer aeryn hamilton. who had this to say when asked about the current tyrannosaur rampages through dunedin:"

"the department refuses to comment on these events. all i am at liberty to discuss at moment is that the department in conjunction with the ministry is re-examining our stance and policies on such extracontinental organisms in new zealand. until a decision is reached all such animals whether settled in new zealand or visiting under legal permits are still protected species and as of such unsanctionable at this time."

"in an attempt to assure the public the government is aware of the issue, prime minister helen clarke granted me a special interview on the governments dinosaur stance earlier today."

the show cut to the interview.

"mrs. prime minister thank you for taking the time to speak to us."

"my pleasure."

"now the government had officially agreed to let these animals into new zealand earlier this year had it not?"

"well in fairness this was the decision of the department of conservation upon the discovery of a single smuggled in individual animal. the government itself was not part of the decision process of granting it official protected status, but rather provisions have been in place giving the department the freedom to make these sorts of calls when the need arises."

"so what you're saying in essence is that a law had been pass previous that allowed the department the authority to decide without consulting the government."

"preciously."

"well obviously the department's descion has proven a bit questionable. what steps is the government going to take to prevent further endangerments to the public, and to stop this sort of thing from happening in the future?"

"i'm personally working closely with the minister and the department to rectify the situtation. options thus far include the addition of new conservation directives to the extracontinential organism act allowing easier intervention. in the long term i'm told by the department and the ministry a comphrensive review of the act is under way that is reviewing whether it serves any productive role in perserving new zealand's overall ecological heritage."

"are you than saying that the government is against dinosaurs in new zealand?"

"well that is something of a silly statement as there was clearly dinosaurs here at some point in the past. the government is currently in the process of confering with the department as to what impact both the tyrannosaurs and any other dinosaurs on the south island are having on our environment, and in some cases society."

other dinosaurs? what did she mean?

"the new zealand public can rest assured though, that by the end of the week a solution will be in place to help both the department of conservation and local law enforcement deal with any more incidents that threaten either property or lives from these animals."

just like that due to the actions of my visiting cousin (who is a legal organism of canada... NOT new zealand unlike me) and my enemy the germ-man, somehow i had just become public enemy number one!

as if to seal my new fate a picture of me appeared on screen.

"65 million years ago the group of animals known as the dinosaurs went extinct never to be seen again. yet in recent years some of them have made a mysterious return throughout the world. up until now only a few scattered bones of these animals were to be found the the two islands of new zealand. in the last few years an invasion has occurred of foreign dinosaurs coming to our shores seeking to establish a presence."

"leaving us with the question if none of them survived here should we be allowing them to enter our otherwise prehistoric free past?"

"some have pointed out that a reintroduced dinosaur presence would be quite fitting for new zealand's eco-system."

agent hamilton appeared on screen again. "new zealand is the home of some of the few survivoring land species from the mezesoic period. the tuatra and weta are species only minorly changed by the process of evolution in the last 65 million years. in some ways this would make our allowing dinosaurs to immigrate here a very logical step of keeping these few remaining remenants of that time together."

"regardless of whether it is ecologically or scienctifically logical to allow animals such as tyrannosaurus rex into new zealand, there has at the present been a human cost to this experinment by the department of conservation's."

_

the news expose wrapped up, going back to the news desk back at the station.

There the had a quick addition to add to the dinosaur special exposé. It was a way off tangent bit me puzzle...

"finally tonight a part of this developing crisis that has many concerned that the dinosaur menace is spreading far faster than any of us imagined."


"exclusive to news one this amatuer footage was taken off port chalmers two days ago. though no offical scientific confirmation has yet been made about the creature captured in the video, it clearly is not a species of animal native to the otago peninsula. leaving many to wonder are the dinosaurs in dunedin capable of moving not just by land, but now by the sea too?

this has been new one's coverage of the unfolding tyrannosaur crisis. thank you for watching ladies and gentlemen. good night."

okay i'd had just about enough for one day! i'm not sure what this last clip was, but it clearly wasn't a dinosaur! dinosaurs live on the land. period. we sometimes would go swimming for movements sake or to cool off, but not a single one of us made our livlihood off the water as it were. that was the realm of marine reptiles, fish, and invertabrates! the news needed to do it's homework!

me and larry hadn't gone anywhere near the harbour that alone port chalmers (which is a little ways up the peninsula, and more than an hours walk from town!). what were was their mystery creature?

causing me to come out of my at this point overworked mind was the realization that EVERYONE in the cafe had by now noticed my precense, and were glaring at me...

"hey," i ventured.

"get out of here you monster!" some lady shouted.

as i opened my mouth to respond a man yelled. "look out it's going to attack!" and throw a bottle of ketchup at me.

i barely managed to duck in time. i realized i should make an escape now before the crowd linched me!on my very fast legs (still having the body build of a baby t-rex i'm very lightly built for speed) i bolted from the cafe as fast as i could go!

what had just happened? was the only thing my brain the size of a peanut could think. how had my life in dunedin gone so wrong? why were the humans instantly out to kill us?

the news hadn't bothered to ask for our sides of the story? the reporter had clearly just wanted to cover the real life monster story he seemed to be presented?

despite my having gone out of my way to try and live life low impact in human society is this what i was going to get for it?

had larry been right the whole time? were humans going to hate me just because of what i was?

i was going to ask larry later today what he thought i should do about this situation? what the true tyrannosaur way to deal with humans?

to be continued...

start spreading the news (the visitor part 6)

so 4 days of my cousin larry's visit have gone by, and not without incidence.

larry has thus far managed to get me in trouble with: my landlord, the the department of conservation (DOC for short), and even the dunedin police department!
_

due to larry's unprovoked attack on a car, tyrannosaurs have been getting a lot of coverage in the news in the last couple days around new zealand. the verdict is we t-rexs are nothing more than stereotypical killing machines. fittingly their comparing larry's real life act to those from his famous film role in the jurassic park movies...
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there's a lot of people calling for me and larry to be removed from new zealand (by any means necessary...) ... i'm expecting another visit from agent hamilton, my attache with DOC, to carry out such action... this visit just gets better and better. . fortunately agent hamilton hasn't showed up... yet!
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despite the recent anti-dinosaur sentiment sweeping dunedin, not everyone had jumped on the band wagon... my friend owain being one of them. though sadly, not due to his confidence in us tyrannosaurs. he just hadn't read or watched the news lately.

i haven't hung out with owain in a little while, not since our bad run in with the germ-man in fact. we've both been really busy sadly. owain being the great pal he is decided that one of us needed to fix this current trend of none hanging out...

why did he have to pick today of all days to try and reconnect though?!?

after several minutes of looking for me around the garden owain finally tracked me down.

"hey traumador," called owain. i didn't reply not wanting to draw attention to owain's approach.

owain picked up on this though sadly. "what's the deal traum? you haven't called, you haven't wrote, you missed all my birthdays," owain jokes.

"yeah i guess i haven't and did," i feebly jest back.

"man you sound down traum. what's the matter?" owain concernedly asks.

before i can answer though owain suddenly draws in his breath and stiffens his stance as he notices the rather large figure standing behind me...

even now i know how this is going to play out... though larry hasn't said it officially, the whole purpose of this trip was to destroy my life piece by piece... owain is just the next on the list...

though i know i'm fighting fate, i try to introduce owain to larry on the hope of hopes that larry will be play nice. "owain this is my cousin larry."

for several seconds they just stare at each other. larry in disinterest, and owain out of borderline terror...

amazingly to his credit owain worked up his courage enough to speak. "nice to meet you mr. tyrannosaur sir." owain's voice barely betrays his fear. though sadly his smell does. yeah we t-rexs have a pretty good sense of smell, and that old saying "predators can smell your fear" is true!

larry just cocks his head a bit like a bird (as we t-rexs are just giant direct relatives of birds it makes sense we do this... just humans are often surprised by this similarity). i'm more than a little surprised at this.

i venture in hopes that this might actually be a civil interaction. "owain is a film student larry," i try to get a common ground. larry being the biggest dinosaur movie star in modern film might put up with a student of his craft...

owain tries to ease into this subject (man is he the best friend a tyrannosaur can have or what?). "i'm a big fan of jurassic park sir. you capture the majesty and raw power of your kind very elegantly," owain starts.

"so many classic moments. your entering the film with the lamb's leg gag. that magnificent entrance through the electric fence. the classic flashlight in the eye. everyone's favourite part where you eat the lawyer. not to mention the finale rescue of the heroes from the raptors. i have to say sir it is the all time best dinosaur movie of all time!" owain butters larry up. his confidence builds.

"what was it like working with steven speilberg?" he enthusiastically asks forgetting that larry is potentially 6 tons of killer reptile.

than the most tragic thing happened... larry answered.


what makes this so tragic is that larry actually civilly answers owain's question... the debacle is all my fault! me and my peanut sized brain forgot to warn owain that larry doesn't speak english like me (i am the only theropod in the world that can...) but rather tyrannosaurese...

"steven is a most brilliant and imaginative human. working with him is one of the few instances i have ever..." larry begins, but his is cut off... by owain running away!

you see due to my slight neglect the version of the answer owain heard was very much like a live performance of larry's full-on roar from jurassic park. if you don't know any better (which 99.9% of humans justifiably don't) it is a really scary experience...

as owain bolted from the botanic garden my anxiety overwhelmingly came back... another of the people close to me was now terrified of larry, and no doubt had an altered perception of me. not to mention how this might play into the media's hands. suddenly they'd have a close friend of one of the "monsters" spouting on about how menacing we are... and larry wasn't even being a JERK! for once...

"how strange," larry notes. "i actually was beginning to like that mammal."

i try to recover on that sentiment in case i ever somehow managed to get owain to meet larry again.

"he's my best friend in new zealand, and a real awesome guy. you two will get along great on the whole movie thing. we watched all the jurassic park movies, and he loved 1 and 3!" i desperately try to play up owain into larry's vainity (larry still being a JERK! loves himself, and his own movies).

"he's just never heard tyrannosaurese before... you know how skittish humans can be the first few times they hear it." i try to reason with larry.

"he is hardly worthy of being your friend if he can't accept that part of who you are at face value cousin," larry challenges.

"well he... wait what?" larry catches me off guard.

"if he is truly your friend than your native tongue should not scare or offend him," larry notes. "you not only put up with his mammalian language, but you have gone to the effort to learn to speak it. you have even submitted yourself to his culture. you wear mammalian clothing, and try to fit into mammalian society. yet he can't accept you for what little is left of who you are."

technically it was larry's demonstrating of my cultural roots that freaked owain out that bad. yet larry sort of had a point. what if i had asked larry a question in tyrannosaurese or introduced owain to larry in tyrannosaurese. i had done so in english because larry understand english (just doesn't speak it), but what if i had in tyrannosaurese? i don't have as large of lungs as larry making my t-rex accent a little quieter, but it sounds roughly the same.

was larry right? was owain not really my friend? after all weren't friends supposed to tolerate each others differences?

i got stuck on this as the day went on. there were still key questions i needed to ask larry about his visit, but for now the sudden re-examination of my interactions with humans overwhelmed my tiny little mind...

all the while anti-tyrannosaur propaganda spread throughout the city of dunedin...

to be continued...

sweet sweet freedom (the centre part 7)

61.6 million BC

well people of the innerweb it's official. i am a pardoned tyrannosaur, but it was pretty touch and go for a while... uh i'm not sure what that saying means actually, there was no touching of anything and definately no going anywhere. more sitting in a cell whistling (they wouldn't give me a harmonica!). they just say touch and go on star trek all the time!

now i don't want to bore you with a lot of details... well actually i'd rather just forget this whole incident... here's what happened in a fast fashion

i went to prison on friday. for all of saturday i just sat in a jail cell... it's pretty boring. not sure if the prison guards knew that or not. they should really look into that. makes jail almost a punishment or something...

anyways sunday was my hearing. now when they asked me who my representation was i thought the answer was pretty obvious. my talent agent peter bond!

turns out they wanted a lawyer... man just when i thought jail was boring. now i was going to be in a real life court show. i HATE lawyer shows. their sooooo boring. no explosions or kung fu or dinosaurs!

well they'd already called peter when they realized i'd asked for my agent. in the midst of trying to find my a lawyer mr. bond showed up, and learning of the situation said for me not to panic. in addition to being a talent agent he was also an attorney at law on the side... you know to supplement his income. he doesn't like to boost this mr. bond...

so the hearing went quick. peter was way cooler then a TV lawyer! before opening statements he leaps up "your honor" (not sure why you'd address a judges honor directly... they look kinda scary with those black robes they wear and the white wigs... and if they have honor it means they fought someone for it!)

"this case is a farce! not only do you have no authority charging that alone convicting my client, but you are violating the law of the jungle!"

so turns out they can't charge me with murder as i'm not human. this being a t-rex thing is really paying off these days! not only that but in the law of the jungle it is stated that one must eat or be eaten, and as i was the eater i am not only innocent, but i could pursue legal action against the centre...

alright! i thought FINALLY some action! well sadly the judge dismissed the case before any kung fu started. the good news was they released me... wish lawyer shows were over that fast on TV! be more time for star trek then!


peter was happy with the results... but he was even happier with the response outside! there were all kinds of reporters who wanted to talk to me!!! so i told them all about my adventures...

peter says things can only go up from here.

though mike said he wouldn't need me to come into work tomorrow... or ever again, but that he'd keep paying me. so long as i never came near him or the centre again...

isn't that sweet people of the innerweb. i get a paid vaccation!!!

well in which case time to start looking for 65 million BC again!

worst lunch ever! (the centre part 6)

61.504 million BC

okay well the last 24 hours have been a little crazy...

it all started yesterday when mike took my out for lunch to the toefood barn.

it started off really nice and normal seeming. my first clue there'd be trouble... checking out the menu i had no idea what i should order. i asked mike to recommend the most meat like product on the menu. he said the toefood sampler would have something i'd like.

after we'd made the order mike wanted to talk to me about the big opening of the play in the afternoon. he was really counting on us to give a good performance. i was feeling up to it... so long as i had some food in me. man was i hunger

finally they brought us out the appetizers. man were they really gross. each piece of it was jellyfied vegtables... after washing each of them down with lots of water i couldn't wait to get my main course.

well turned out that was the main course! at least i wasn't hungry. i was just the MOST sick to my stomach i'd ever been!

getting back to the centre i staggered through the preperation of the show. barely getting my makeup on, and i didn't even notice the time leading up to curtains up. fortunently i had till the end of act 1 before i had anything to do...

i won't gross you out with details of my not feeling so good. i know they say during a show your supposed to get butterflies in your stomach, but i didn't know that they were killer vampire butterflies!!!

fortuently i felt much better in time for my first lines...

the show was going great. i felt fantastic. act 2 was going incredibely well, and then WHAM! i got hit with hunger...

well rather then tell you about the fun that was, peter told me i should just post this news broadcast about the incident. he said no publicity is bad publicity...



they make it out like i meant to eat them... i was just really really really hungry! though i think i had another instinctive t-rex moment...

the bad news i spent the rest of the night trying to out run the really grumpy police dogs in the woods. they eventually caught me due to a tip from some stupid boyscouts!

now i'm in jail here today, and waiting for my trial. worst part was i wasted my one phone call calling peter who just told me to post the newstory and enter a new post on my blog...

i'm scared about my future people of the innerweb. i've seen what happens to people in prison. i don't want a tattoo!!!