hockey night in canada...

despite all the build up and commotion my special talent agent peter bond has been placing on the the dinosaur winter games they hadn't been a huge success thus far...

that was till today... wholly smokes!

today's event, the first round of a whole tournament, has become an instant hit. we sold out every round!

the event, canada's single obsession... ice hockey!

the event i feared more than anything has just begun here in vancouver...

Welcome Ladies and Gentlemen to this special by demand recap of today's Channel 299 point 5's previous coverage of the Ice Hockey tournament here in Vancouver...

I'm Peter Bond, good evening Canada!

and I'm Gus Richards welcoming the rest of the world, that Peter just rudely neglected!

Oh right. Sorry about that!

Due to the flood of calls from people who missed our original broadcast of the event, Channel 299.5 proudly brings you this recap of today's ice hockey games!

Brought to you by Meaties, breakfast of Canines!

Breakfast of Canines? That doesn't even remotely sound like champions!

Don't question the sponsors on the air...

Today saw the beginning of the round robin tournament that will determine which prehistoric country or super-continent can claim dominance in the hockey rink.

That's right after a five game circuit only the top 4 teams will make it to the championships.

Peter there are only 5 teams, its hardly suspenseful!

Uhuh think of how devastating it will be for the one eliminated team!

Face it Peter, as the organizer, you couldn't think of anything else to do with such a small team pool.

Maybe...

Anyways today saw two very interesting games, with very unexpected outcomes!

Yes with that in mind let's take a look at everything that happened today...

The first match of the day was between the two overall leaders in these Dinosaur Winter Games so far, Australia and the USA.

Anyone watching the Olympics so far will know that both these teams have dominated the overall competition.

Australia in particular entered today undefeated.

Yeah stupid cheating convicts! Who knew that in the Cretaceous they were a polar continent?!?

Peter!!!

Oh right, sorry to all our Aussie viewers. I meant to say NON cheating convicts...

*Sigh* How did I let him talk me into commentating with him again?!?

The United States have been on the Aussie's tail in every event, just narrowly coming in second at the end everytime. The question today was would this trend continue, or would the States finally find a way to come out on top?

Indeed Peter, today's initial match could have been a preview of the potential final gold medal game...

While team Australia entered seeking its third straight victory, the Americans were ready to give them a fight. Literally.

Indeed today's opening games was an interesting clash of strategies. Australia fielded a fast agile team, with Boom and Rang Leaellynasaura as their forwards. opting for their larger heavy weight Hogan the Muttaburrasaur to be goalie. The Americans on the other hand went for a much more powerful and physical offense with Dollie the Stegosaur and Bronko the Stygimoloch on the frontline, leaving Elinor Einiosaurus in net.

At first we thought that perhaps speed could be a deciding factor, as the Leaellynasaura skated circles around the Americans. However no amount of puck ballet could save Australia.

The combination of Bronko's physical play, and Dollie's offense eventually knocked the Leaellynsaura not only off the puck but their game as well.

Not to mention their feet Gus.

I think I kind of covered that Peter.

However, despite Broncho's hard headed checks, team America's greatest weapon has turned out to be Dollie's thagomizer slap shot!

Thaga-what?!? You just made that word up!

No. I looked it up in this book. That is the technical name for a Stegosaurs spiked tail. See...

*Mumble mumble* Oh so it is...

Despite Hogan Muttaburrasaur's valiant efforts, I doubt there are many goalie's who'd be able to stop a puck going 150 mph! That is a good 30 miles faster than the hardest ever recorded human shot!!!

By the beginning of the third period the score was 4-1 for the Americans. Despite overall control of the puck by the Australians for most of the game, their lack of physicality kept them from scoring. Where as every time Dollie got the puck in the Australian zone the US was guaranteed a point! Hogan was only able to stop 3 of her shots, and these were taken essentially directly at him. They looked like very painful stops too...

It was at the mid point of the third period that the game took a very unexpected turn. Stealing the puck from Dollie, the Australians looked poised for a break away, which in the second period was the source of their only goal. However Broncho surprised Rang with a particularly aggressive check to the side.

That's right we barely could believe the brutality of the hit. Here is our response at the time...

Oh boy oh boy!

Rang is down, and looks pretty injured! The ref has called a halt to play. There must be a penalty coming up to team USA...

There go the medics... Now I'm wishing I'd hired proper vets and not just some guys from my first aid course...

What the ref is signalling that was a legal hit?

BOO!

Peter we're supposed to impartial.

How can that be considered a legal check though?!?

Let's watch the instant replay *watches replay* Well I guess I can see it. The hit occurred while Rang had the puck, and it was below the shoulders. Technically that was a legitimate hit by the rules of the game.

Those rules weren't meant for a boneheaded battering ram!

Than a certain event organizer should have changed the rules before letting Dinosaurs play the game...

Oops.

Rang's injuries are clearly pretty bad, here as he skates off the ice.

Tell me about it, he is wearing a cone of shame!

Looks like he is not just out of this hockey match, but we're getting word he is likely out for the rest of the Winter Games.

Oh man, and he had been the big star of the games so far!

Team Australia's coach is calling for the Americans' to default this game, as her team is effectively out of the Ice Hockey Tournament.

What?!? America is refusing to forfeit the game, citing the check as perfectly legal!?!

I guess that is within their rights, but seriously?

*End Replay*

That was the unexpected end to the first match of the Ice Hockey. We see Team Australia dropping out of the Ice Hockey tournament altogether.

This injury also puts Australia's current overall lead in the Olympics in jeopardy.

America in the meantime moves on with a victory point, not that they really matter now. Every team will now be making it to the playoffs as a result.

If you'd been watching our broadcast earlier today you'd have had a big unplanned 20 minute break between games due to this outcome. In good news I was able to provide some filler entertainment! Which went something a bit like...

NO!!! I will walk out right now if I subjected to another second of you country yodelling the hits of U2 whilst trying to, unsuccessfully, juggle goslings!

What you didn't like it?

I'm not alone either, I have over two thousand emails from our new large audience demanding you never do that on air again!!!

Oh, and I just went through my ipod looking for more songs to cover...

Anyways with the first game over, there was still a second one this afternoon. This being the match between China and Canada.

Yes the long awaited debut of my team!

Peter we're on the air... why do I have to keep saying that... you can't go on about "your" team.

Right. Well then, Team Canada's coach in a moment of brilliance...

*Sigh*

Decked out his star player in a lovely Team Canada jersey!

Here was Team Canada as they skated out on the ice for the first time!

Well I have to say that jersey is rather smart isn't it. Why isn't the rest of the team in them?

Have you seen how much a Tyrannosaur sized jersey costs?!?

I thought that was your Tyrannosaur in the jersey...

Errr, well yes, but you know what I mean! A full grown Tyrannosaur, Albertosaur, which is a Tyrannosaur but not AGHH!...

Well led by their captain Staff...

How many times have I told you today that is Tyrannosaur. Traumador THE Tyrannosaur!

That's not what his jersey says!

I tell Traum to go get his jersey embroidered with his name, and he comes back with Staff written on the back...

Why?

He said it was the only thing he could imagine ever being on the back of any of his shirts.

Huh?

It's a long story...

And the number zero?

*Sadly admits* He thought it would be cheaper than a bigger number...

Well with both teams on the ice it was game on.

The game was exciting from the get go!

As of the puck dropping, Lillian Albertosaur looked to be this match's star.

That is till she was continually foiled by Lao-Gui Meng the Pinacosaur.

Quite right, Peter. The armoured Dinosaur kept the Chinese net as protected as her hard hide.

Nothing Lillian did could beat Lao-Gui either.

Leading to the natural question, where was Team Canada's other forward Staff?

Traumador THE Tyrannosaur!

Well Traumador the Staff was unable to skate in any real capacity throughout the whole match, and though occasionally getting the puck and passing it to Lillian, he had no real impact on the game. Which would lead one to ask what Team Canada's coach was thinking putting him on the ice?

Hahahahaha I imagine if you "could" ask him, he'd say he'd hoped the pressure of the game would get Traumador to grow his ice legs.

Clearly this "common" coaching strategy didn't pay off, for some reason...

Despite Lillian's valiant efforts to score, and her overwhelming control of the puck for most of the match, the Chinese naturally had breaks in the Canadian onslaught. Especially given their effective one Dinosaur advantage.

It was in one of these breaks that Norman A. Centrosaur found himself beat by Hua Yingwu the Psittacosaurus.

It should be pointed out that poor Norman actually put up a good game himself. However with the ongoing Chinese power play he just couldn't stop all the cross ice plays.

Hopefully Team Canada performs better next game.

I would certainly hope so. A three to nothing defeat is not a great start. Even if Lao-Gui Meng is by far the best Saurian goalie we've seen thus far.

So your thoughts after the day Gus?

I think Team America and China will be battling for the gold. We'll have to see if the physical play of the American's can beat the armoured defenses of Lao-Gui Meng's goal tending.

How do you think Team Gondwana will effect things as they enter the tournament next round?

While it is true that we haven't seen Gondwana due to their bye in this round, but I can't help but think that the domination we saw on both the parts of the US and China today will carry on. Though who knows, maybe the giants of the South may topple our first round expectations.

Finally Team Canada's chances?

Unless Staff...

Tyrannosaur!

Unless, Traumador, somehow miraculously learns to skate in the next couple days i think they're dead in the water. No matter how good Lillian or Norman play.

Oh man...

Peter don't even start!

So stay tuned hockey fans, as this is but only the first round of the 2010 Dinosaur Winter Games Hockey Tournament... uh that's copyrighted by the way.

*Sigh* Peter that comes up in the credits, you don't need to tell people that!

I just wanted to make sure...

I am SO done for the night!

pairs figuring skating...

today i found myself high above vancouver, on one of the mountains that lines it's northern side. it was a very pretty, but also a cold place. the reason i was up here nearly freezing? well i was finally about to directly participate in my special talent agent peter bond's crazy dinosaur winter OH-lympics.

here over vancouver was a beautiful outdoor rink peter had selected for the figure skating event. why he couldn't have picked one of the many nice comfortable indoor rinks is beyond me! peter claims the visual backdrop will make the event a big hit on TV... i'm just glad i wore my hoodie today!

so i was here to figure skate. peter claimed it was a sport... though based on his description it sounds more like trying to do as much crazy of stuff while skating without falling! the last one standing wins...

i was getting quite nervous about the event, as we discovered today (much to peter's complete horror) i can't skate! not that i haven't been trying to learn for the last couple hours. all i can manage to do is stand up on my skates, and i mean perfectly stand.

seriously you can't knock me over or get me to fall, at least so long as you don't expect me to propel myself. the instant i try to to move on the ice i fall right over on my belly or tail (i'm very good at slight movement of my legs to keep standing though. even when peter tried to make me skate... he was the one who fell over!).

oh well, if figure skating would get me back all the money i spent to "host" these games, i'd do it! besides there was some good news to this figure skating event. it was a pairs sport. so i'd have someone else to push and pull me around the ice. even better it was mixed pair of a male and female. meaning on team canada if i was skating, i had no choice but to skate with the girl of my dreams lillian the albertosaur.

so despite the cold and my lack of talent, i was really excited about figuring skating!

as the event was about to begin, much like at the ski jump, all us dinosaur athletes gathered around the TV. not only was it nice to see ourselves on screen (in highlights... obviously we can't watch ourselves live :P), but as we didn't know what we were doing half the time the commention sometimes helped us figure out what we were doing (i can't emphasis the sometimes enough though!)...

yet again epic music blared at the dinosaur winter games logo came on the screen.

Welcome again, ladies and gentlemen to this special public access cable, channel 299 and a half, presentation. Tonight we bring you the next sporting event that time forgot! The Pairs Figuring Skating here at the Dinosaur Winter Games!!!

Hello I'm Peter Bond.

And I'm Gus Richards. Coming at you live from Cypress Mountain, towering above Vancouver.

Not so much towering, as rolling above Gus.

I was trying to be poetic as opposed to descriptive, Peter. It's a trick I picked up from the "How to Commentate for Dummies" book I read last night.

Well there is nothing dumb about the Pairs Figure Skating we're about to see here in Cypress.

gus than murmured under his breath.

There was nothing dumb about my metaphor either.

What was that Gus?

Nothing!

Now in addition to finding out how to improve my commentation skills, unlike some other people around here, I've also done some research on figuring skating. Based on this, I think we might be in for an interesting event here today!

Why don't you share your thoughts Gus?

Well Peter, figuring skating is of course more of an art form that pure athletic competition. With human skaters judging their degree of success and difficulty is easier, as they all have the same rough body size and build. With our Dinosaurian athletes today, we are looking at skaters that are both bipedal and quadrupedal, and weight anywhere as little as 15 kilograms to as heavy as 8 tons! This is going to cause all sorts of problems!

Not to worry Gus. I went to great pains this week to find custom skates for all our competitors!

i knew Peter was right. i'd just received the bill for them this morning... i was really doubting i'd see my money again at the rate these OH-lympics costs were sky rocketing!

That's not what I meant Peter. No, it'll be difficult for everyone involved to tell how our skaters are doing in relation to one another. I understand the judges will be taking into account the various handicaps our different Dinosaurs will be facing, but this will make it interesting to see how they all do against one another.

Indeed, and with that in mind, we are about to get our first taste of this dynamic sport.

Up first is Team Gondwana.

After their humiliating defeat at the ski jump, rumour has it, among the coaches anyways, that the team is somewhat fired up for today's event.

Though I hear that there is some division in the Gondana locker room, so to speak.

We couldn't find any locker rooms big enough for any of the large Dinosaurs Gus.

Another figure of speech Peter...

Ah... I see. Well, it is true that there is some tension among the Gondwanians. The two large theropods, among the largest carnivorous land dwelling animals ever... remember that kids when the official Dinosaur Winter Game action figures hit stands this week. You could owe two of the biggest meat eaters ever! Only $10.99 each!...

Peter!

Oh sorry, as I was saying the two large theropods Samson the Spinosaurus and Gloria Giganotosaurus have never gotten along. I don't know the full history behind this rivalry, but I know it has something to do with Samson starring in Jurassic Park 3.

I also understand Aina the Heterodontosaurus is quite afraid of her teammates.

That is true, Gus, but as the small Ornithopod is remaining off the ice today, I don't think it'll be an issue at the moment.

And Samson and Gloria kick off our first program of the day.

You know for Dinosaurs who hate each other, they're staying nice and close to each other.

Yes Peter, in pairs figure skating the objective is to work not so much as a team, but more like a single individual.

Split over two bodies? That's just silly Gus.

Do you even know what a metaphor is Peter?

How do you think our Southern Continental competitors are doing?

Well due to their extreme size, we'll be seeing a very grounded routine here. With both our skaters here weighing over 6 tons each, they won't be able to survive any jumps, especially if they didn't land them properly!

That's certainly going to cost them than!

It actually shouldn't Peter. Again the judges today are taking into account the fact these two physically can not jump. As of such they'll have their score worked out on how well they do a completely on ice routine. Which at moment they appear to be doing quite well.

Oh and they are now spinning together!

Yes, this is a synchronized... uh, spin of some sort. Just give me a moment to look it up in my book.

So far Gondwana's timing has been perfect. They are working together as one, I believe you would say Gus.

gus only half acknowledged as he frantically flipped through a book on his desk.

Sure. Spins on page 8...

Oh and Gondwana's skate comes to an end. A nearly flawless performance by Team Gondwana.

I missed the end?

Let's see how the judges score this first skate.

The scores will be out of 10 today Peter, and as of such we'll be immediately be able to see what manner of competition we're in for here today.

Okay and here they come...

A 8.5, 9.0, 9.0, 9.0, and a 9.5 making for a final score of 9.0. A very good show from Team Gondwana.

Definitely indeed Gus. Especially after that "crushing" defeat they suffered at ski jumping.

Peter you probably shouldn't joke about the crushing part.

Oh right, sorry about that folks... especially those debating the class action lawsuit...

Next up we have Team China.

Yes, going in reverse order of the Ski Jumping results, we have another team who desperately wants to reverse their fortunes here today.

Immediately Hua Yingwu the Psittacosaurus and Hou Mingyan Tsintaosaurus have started off with a strong beginning.

I can't help but notice the Chinese are not both staying on the ice...

Despite Hou Mingyan's tremendous 4 ton weight, we have her paired with her minuscule partner's 20 kilo's today. Meaning the Chinese have a lot more skating options.

Wow like picking up the Psittacosaur and spinning him in circles!

Yes. Though despite the increased spectacle of this routine, it is important to note how much easier it is for China to put such tricks into their skate. The Gondwanas both weighed nearly double Hou Mingyan each. Here she is skating with Hua Yingwu who weighs less than her own tongue!

Great flying parrots... er beaked lizards! Hua Yingwu has just been thrown into the air!

Can he land it though? This will be what their score comes down too!

Oh and he has landed it perfectly!!!

Indeed Peter, let's see how the judges like that.

peter didn't really pay attention to what gus said.

That was amazing. Oh man we have to change our routine to match that!

What Peter?

If you'll excuse me for a moment Gus. I have something I need to do... and Team Canada's up coming set is going to blow all our socks off!

with that peter ran out of the studio, leaving poor gus confused.

Uh, what is he doing?... I mean, I guess when you have to go, you have to go ladies and gentlemen.

a few moments of silenced followed, as gus tried to figure out what to do in peter's absence. then finally something came up for him to talk about.

Oh thank you! The scores are coming up. Wow, and unlike the Gondwanian ones these are all over the board for Team China. They receive a 7.0, 9.7, 8.5, 8.0, and a 8.7. Giving Team China a 8.4 final score, and currently second place.

I wonder what Team Canada has up its sleeve to match what we've seen so far?

we in team canada thought we had a pretty good idea of what we had in store. than suddenly the mystery of where peter had run off to was answered.

just as me and lillian were about to hit the ice peter was ice side.

"aren't you supposed to be commentating right now?!?" i nervously asked my talent agent.

"yeah, in a second," peter dismissed me. "i just had a coaching thought, and it couldn't wait!"

"i want you two to all sorts of spins, carries, and throws just like the chinese did!" peter instructed.

lillian just looked at peter like he was insane, and i tried to point out. "but we didn't practise any of that, and it looked kinda hard."

"nonsense!" peter countered. "we'll get our first gold for sure," with that he launched into a crazed plan about our new routine. his arms flailed as he acted out roughly what he wanted us to.

now in theory what peter suggested probably wouldn't have been too bad. the problem was it sounded like it needed some practise. our routine, as per what peter had instructed us to do before, was much more like the gondwanian set all on the ice. now peter wanted us to go crazy, without so much as a warm up .

"did you get all that?" he insisted.

before we could answer no (it was very last minute of him!), one of the judges approached very impatiently. "team canada you're up!" (again talk about last minute).

as we skated out onto the ice, peter ran back to commentate.

Where were you?
`


Just double checking something. Oh look, and here comes Team Canada. I wonder what their going to follow China up with? hehehehe
`

Hopefully something a little more challenging, or they'll simply be competing with China's second place.
`

Second place?!?

`
Here goes Canada's skaters!

`
well the beginning of the routine was nice and simple. at least for me. i just had to make sure some part of me was in contact with lillian so she'd move me along the ice with her. i also made sure to smoothly wave my arms around. i'm not sure why, but peter said it looks arty and graceful on the ice...
`

How are they looking, Gus?

`
You almost sound panicked Peter. So far they not doing to bad. Though if they want to catch up in points their going to need more than the Albertosaur pushing around the T-Rex.
`

than came the new part that peter had just told us to do. lillian swiftly scooped me up into her mouth. honestly, despite the fact i was crazy about lillian, this terrified me! albertosaur jaws were among the most dangerous to have ever evolved, and here i was sitting right in the middle of a set!
`
Here we go with Canada's throw...

you know the way peter has said it, the throw sounded easy. as lillian lunged her head into the toss, i was amazed at the fact peter might turn out to be right. maybe we didn't need to practise this... however as of lillian snapping her neck and launching me out of her mouth, suddenly it became (sadly) very obvious i'd been right!

lillian throw me clear of the rink. if it hadn't been for the soft fabric tent and the big pile of snow behind it (when i ripped through the tents canvas) i could have been seriously hurt! as it stood i wasn't doing so good. it took them a good 2 or 3 minutes to dig me out of the snow bank.

Oh no!

That is unfortunate. Team Canada appears to have failed their paired throw. It is almost as if someone decided to change their program on them at the last minute... Doesn't it Peter?!?

This is so not good...

I think the judges agree with you Peter. Having not properly completed their routine, Canada recieves some really low scores. 1.0, 1.5, oh a 2.5 from a very generous judge, 1.0, and 1.7. For a final score of 1.5. Oh I think unless anyone else messes up that bad, Canada has just clinched last place!

Ah Hel... Help, yes help. That's what Team Canada needs in the future! hahahaha stupid theropods not making that simple throw!

Next up we have the Americans, who have choosen to field Bronko the Stygimoloch again and paired him with Elinor Einiosaurus. Which is similar to both China and Canada in pairing a multi ton skater with a small skater, but in this case Bronko is much heavier, closer in weight to a human. Let's see how this effects their routine.

Very sleek so far.

Yes, and not all that different from Team Canada's beginning with some nice synchronized skating. Though I can't help but notice Bronko is doing some much more pronounced skating than Traumador.

Oh what's this that the Americans are doing now?!?

A carry, without the throw. This is much more technically complicated than what both China and Canada were going for.

They are making it look so easy.

Yes Peter. Let's see how the judges like it.

A 9.9, 9.5, 9.8, 9.8, and a 9.5. Holy blades of glory I think we have a new first place holder!

Yes we do Peter. The American's final score of 9.7 is going to be very tough to beat.

Let's see how Team Australia finishes off the event here today, with our last skate...

This is absolutely stunning to see. boom and rang leaellynasaura are skating to together absolutely perfectly.

I thought you were being silly before Gus, but now I see what you mean by skating as though one body.

This goes beyond that Peter. It is almost as if one of our down under skaters is just skating in front of a mirror. Their actions are so perfectly synchronized.

the two aussie dinosaurs' performance wasn't flooring me as much as everyone else. i'd seen the other day just how physically capable they two could be!



Now we're getting to the technically challenging part of their program. Where the Americans lifts and carries were impressive, the Australians' will be even more impressive considering they are the same size!

Oh and I think they are going to pull it off Gus!

I can't believe my eyes Peter. I think we're witnessing an absolute perfect routine!

Let's see what the judges thought of that!

So Australia gets a 9.9, 9.9, 9.9...

Perfect scores so far!!!

9.9, and oh what is this. A slight upset to what we were expecting. A 9.8!

BOO!

Peter, obviously that judge thought just the slightest thing was missing from that routine. Probably the lack throws from these two very clearly qualified figure skaters.

Like I said BOO!

*Sigh* So that still gives Australia a 9.9 overall score!

Meaning they've won their second gold medal in a row... Wow, that wasn't supposed to happen.

With America getting its second silver, again by but a mere margin, we're see our two clear favourites for these Dinosaur Winter Games emerge. Team Gondwana getting its first medal in the form of a Bronze, leaving just Team China without a medal. Yet I don't think we've heard the last of them.

Indeed these games are heating up so early on. Who will rise to dominance? The United States or Australia?

Or could we see one of the strangling teams somehow rise up and overcome these two titans?

Tune in for our next event and find out!

to be continued...

leaping lizards... the ski jump!

[Production Note: Our apologies to a number of people of flickr. We have "borrowed" all the pictures with a ski jump in this post from various people on flickr. However due to the installation of some new software on our PIP computer, the bookmarks for these were all lost. If you are one of the photographers who took these shots we will take down any of these shots if you wish, but please take the spirit of fun we've used them for in mind (and we are making no money off of any of them)]

it was finally the beginning of my special talent agent peter bond's grand scheme... the dinosaur winter OH-lympics.

i wish i could say i was excited about the games, as games are supposed to be fun aren't they? instead i was looking at the prospective of losing all my money if the games "failed".

even worse the first "game" didn't look all that fun to me. not one bit, and i'm looking at it right now!!!

lillian was a bit more than nervous about this ski jumping of peter's. so like any good (wannabe) boyfriend i accompanied her up to the top of the tower to look down the ramp she'd be zooming down in under an hour...

to say it was scary would be understating it, people of the innerweb. it was downright terrifying, and i wasn't even the one having to go down it.

lillian in proper tyrannosaurian fashion acted like she wasn't afraid. "this isn't much higher than a coulee in the badlands." she weakly dismissed. only i could see through her lie, being a tyrannosaur myself. her mouth was slightly a gap, a tell tale signs all was not well with her.

i decided to leave it though. in my experience most tyrannosaurids (apart from me) can get very testy when you question their bravery and other such nonsense. in my experience if you're scared, its best to just let it out. otherwise you'll do silly things later anyway (at least if you're me again).

i wished lillian good luck as the other competitors started to show up. it was time for me to head to the back of the tower as a non-jumper. lillian didn't respond to me, and just kept starring down the ramp before us. i didn't blame her for the rudeness this time. i'd be pretty wrapped up in the moment if i was in her claws.

however i was about head up to the observation deck, lillian turned and called after me. "thank you for coming up with me traumador. the company was very nice before... well you know."

as much as i stood to lose from these OH-lympics, one bright side of the whole affair was starting to emerge. i was starting to make considerable gains with the girl of my dreams...

taking my seat waiting for the event to start, suddenly a number of TVs set up on the ski jump turned on. a rather catchy jingle starting playing as a very familiar voice began to speak.

Welcome ladies and gentlemen to a special public access cable, channel 299.5, presentation. Tonight we bring you the debut of a sporting event of geologic proportions... the first ever Dinosaur Winter Games!!!

As the music cranked to epic levels the screen cut to two broadcasters... well people pretending to broadcasters... and i could see why the voice was familiar.

I am Peter Bond...

my talent agent introduced himself, but than paused. silence followed.

Ahem!

Oh right sorry, and I am Gus Richards.

Peter's co host finally introduced himself.

You didn't say how stressful this would be when we went to live. Just look at that little "on the air" light blinking...

Not NOW Gus!

Oh right sorry ladies and gentlemen. This is my first gig on TV, and I'm a little nervous.

Nothing the good folks at home *cough* need to know about Gus!

So here we are coming at you live from beautiful Vancouver, where the conditions are perfect today for our first Olympic event, the Saurian ski jump.

Another pause.

Ahem ahem!

Ah, yes Peter... where, uh. Five teams from around the worm... no sorry world are about to compete for... hmmm the gory. Oh, glory of being the best Dinosaurs of all time... in winner sport.

That's winter sport!

Sorry man, its hard to read your hand writing! Couldn't you have typed that up or something before hand!

gus suddenly realized yet again he'd embarrassed himself on TV and looked blankly at the camera. peter clearly muddled himself by his co anchor's nerves pressed on in typical chipper bond fashion.

The first team to take to the air today is team Australia.

That's right Peter. Today Australia will be represented by Rang the Leaellynasauras.

Indeed, as today all our Prehistoric teams are only allowed to field only one athlete to compete in the Ski Jump. Though rest assured folks, we have plenty of team sports coming up later in the games!

We now go live to the ski jump, where Rang is about to make the first jump of the day...

we all held our breath, as the little aussie dinosaur confidently, and frankly bravely pushed himself down the ramp. if i had to guess i'd say he was completely unphased by the prospect of shooting down the giant tower at break neck speeds, flying off high in the air, and soaring across hundreds of meters!

What a beautiful jump!

You sound surprised Gus.

I am actually. I figured this would just be a joke that played out as a horror show.

Ahem!

I mean I was expecting more... suspense than this.

HAHAHA yes. Back to our Australian jumper.

Based on all the ski jumping I've ever seen I'd say Rang is doing quite well. Won't you agree???

Absolutely. He is showing excellent flying position.

I believe in ski jumping they call it form.

Exactly what fantastic form our little friend from down under is showing!

What would you place Australia's chances at Peter?

We're not expecting the Aussie's to be the strongest contender in many of these events. With the ski jump in particular I believe the Australian coach has made the mistake of picking one of her lightest team members. A number of the coaches opted for their biggest and heaviest Dinosaurs, as they should be propelled faster and further.

The grace and agility we're seeing in the air won't be a factor then you don't think?

Of course n...

Rang finally came to the ground, way near the bottom of the hill...

One hundred metres?!? As I was saying before Gus, I totally believed that Rang's grace and ability...

Agility!

Yes agility were going to be key factors in a successful jump!

Right...

Anyways what was your expert opinion on that jump Gus?

Expert? Well having watched the odd round of ski jumping in the past, I'd say for a first jump, 100 metres is pretty good! It sets the bar high, and shows that Australia may just be a contender in these winter games after all!

That remains to be seen, Gus. As several teams coming up have fielded their true heavy weights into the competition. If Rang weighing in at a mere 10 kilograms can jump 100 metres, let's see how far a multi ton beast can go!!!

Next up we have your very own team Canada's Lillian about to make the jump.

You mean all of Canada's don't you.

No I mean it is your team. Isn't it.

HAHAHAHAHA *whispered* I was going to try to keep a lid on my coaching status. We're supposed to impartial right *resuming normal volume* So team Canada's coach looks like he was wisely chosen his largest biped for the jump. Let's she how she does.

the moment of truth came, as lillian braced herself for launch. i could barely watch as she pushed off and propelled down the ramp!

within a matter of seconds lillian was sky bound! you know for a mutant multi ton relative of a bird, lillian was doing pretty good at showing her lineage to avians... you know without the feathers, or flapping, or properly flying.

There can not possibly have been a more intimidating... errr I mean spectacular sight ever seen coming down a ski jump hill. A Tyrannosaurus Rex...

Albertosaurus Gus. An Albertosaurus. *whispering* Trust me she gets a little grumpy if you mix it up, and a you won't know the difference between an Albertosaur and Tyrannosaur when their grumpy if you follow me!

Sorry an Albertosaurus, majestically flying through the air.


Oh and she is about to make her landing! How far will team Canada make it with Lillian's 2 ton bulk propelling her.

What an upset! Despite her considerable weight advantage, Lillian comes in at only 67 metres! Putting Team Canada in second on only jump number 2!

That can't be...

What's that Peter?

I could have sworn she'd be a clincher being so heavy, and... Oh I'm sorry. Like I was saying Gus, that can't be the start that Team Canada was looking for here in the first game.

We next come to Team China, who are clearly going to want to get ahead of at least Team Canada with Lillian's considerably shorter jump than Team Australia's Rang.

Indeed Gus. Now the Chinese coach has opted for a different tactic of ski jumper than the other big weight teams such as Canada and Gondwana. Despite having the choice of two potentially large jumpers, China has opted for their most compact big Dinosaur Lao-Gui Meng the Pinacosaur. The theory being that a more condensed heavy animal will be propelled that much further.

An interesting strategy. Well it won't take too much, apart from a good jump, to probably out do Canada's 67 metres. Though to catch up to current front runner Australia's 100 might prove a bit more difficult.

Well we're about to find out, as Lao-Gui takes to the air!

An excellent start to the jump too...

You know I was wrong about Lillian's jump. What we are now watching now has to be the most unique ski jump EVER!


Indeed who would have guessed something so bulky as an armoured Dinosaur would look so graceful in the air?

For those who were wondering Lao-Gui name in Chinese means Ancient Turtle.


I wasn't Gus, but I guess after today no one will be able to say Loud Gway is an old fart after today.

Actually Peter, in her native China the turtle is seen a being of great wisdom and patience. So I don't think the name would carry the same demeaning nature it does here in North America. That and you said her name wro...

So like I said I don't think anyone will make fun of our flying turtle again.

Oh no! but what a short lived time in the air! Landing at the mere 1 metre mark!


It would appear China's plan on using its most compact heavy weight has completely backfired! As Lao-Gui lands within a moment of taking off. What a shame for Team China, who now take third.


Sadly a very easy to out do third though Peter.


Indeed Gus, and I think the Americans are keen to seize it too! Team America has opted for a light weight jumper much like Australia.


Yes only this one has a heavy something or other. Starting with a k?


That would be head, Gus. It says head.


Look dude, you're hand writing isn't that good.


The American jumper, Bronko the Stygimoloch, weighing in at about twice the weight of Rang may present Australia with their real first challenge to their first place jump. Only unlike the truly light weight Leaellynasauras, Bronko's head is made of dense armoured bone. Possibly giving him a little more propolution, and the edge to victory.

Or we might see a combination of both Rang and Lao-Gui's jumps.

How would that work? The best and the worst jumps put together, what we'd get the medium jump?

Hey don't look at me. This commentator thing is hard. I just said it is it seemed a natural connection.

Well we'll find out if this is the unlikely combination Gus predicts, or if the Americans are about to make Dinosaur Olympic history!

I didn't predict...

Shhhhh Bronko is taking off!

And a good take off so far.

Bronko is making this look easy. Even more so than Rang from Australia did.

Indeed, perfect form up there. However I can't help but notice Bronko is holding his head very oddly.

I see what you mean Gus. It would appear our Pachycephalosaur is using his very heavy head to steer to a greater degree than our previous jumpers.

Oh and it looks like it is going to pay off for our hard headed American jumper!

Bronko still hasn't touched down as he passes the 70 metre mark... now the 80!... Oh my the 90... and Bronko will come down on the 96 metre mark! A mere 4 metres from first place!!!

That must be real frustrating to Team American.

Yet to jump into second place, that isn't too bad.

Indeed, putting our standings currently at Australia in first, America in second, Canada in third, and China in fourth. However our last jumper of the day from Team Gondwana could very well change all this.

That's right Gus, as Team Gondwana is taking heavy weight ski jumping to its extreme! Both Team China and Team Canada fielded Dinosaur jumpers who weighed a "mere" 2 tons. Gondwana's Sansom the Spinosaur comes in at a whopping 8 tons! Meaning we'll really get to see if there is anything in sending such huge jumpers down our hill today!

Indeed Peter. So far we've seen that the lighter and more agile jumpers have had the most like in gliding down the hill. Our heavy weights however have both had different problems. In the case of China it was too much weight and their jumper simply fell out of the air right away. Canada on the other hand had a descent jump, but that weight just didn't propell their jumper enough to beat the light weights from gliding past.

However if a 2 ton Albertosaur can shot 67 metres, will a 8 ton Spinosaur go that much further?

We are about to find out, as here goes Sansom!

Nice form in the initial take off. I don't know, Gus, based on the speed and air this massive theropod has so far, I'm thinking Australia and America could be in trouble.

I'm agreeing Peter. Though Sansom isn't gliding gracefully, his weight is carrying him like a cannon ball. I think his target is gold too!


Oh but what is this?!?

We're seeing Sansom experience some trouble midair!

What's happening?

I think the wind is catching the giant sail on Sansom's back! Oh no and it is blowing Gondwana's jumper off course...

Sansom is coming down the finally stage of the hill, but he is looking really out of control ladies and gentlemen!

This is going to be close folks! Currently he has just passed the 90 metre mark, meaning if he can land this Sansom will clinch victory for Team Gondwana...

OH NO!
OH NO!

Sansom has landed in the audience... Thank goodness I required those release forms with ever ticket!

Oh this is terrible. Not only does Team Gondwana come in last for not landing, but now its jumper and many spectaters could be seriously hurt...

We're getting reports that Sansom, apart from a hurt ego, has managed to pick himself up and is okay.

Hows that Peter?

It appears uh... several patrons broke his fall.

Yuck!

Indeed Gus.

Well there you have it. Team Australia wins the event, the United States comes in second, and Canada comes in third.

So be sure to tune in later this week as our coverage of the first ever Dinosaur Winter games continues! In the meantime I have some free tickets to give out to some mad squished people!

wait are those people going to be mad at me for funding the OH-lympics?

peter has now repeatedly assured me no one was permenantly squished from having the full grown bull spinosaur land on them. does that mean they were temporarily squished then? how can you be temporarliy squished?...

To be Continued:

With more events. So like the commentators said stay tuned!