why am i cowering in fear in my own home? no i didn't repeat the mistake of watching planet of the apes again (those darn terrifying dirty apes... a whole planet of king kongs now i'm even more scarred just THINKING about them!!!)
well it's a bit of a long story...
just after tea (that's kiwinese for dinner) got a call on my "cell" phone. i got all excited hoping it was going to be ms. rhonwyn with news on my promotion at work. i also really really really wanted to tell her about my big find at the beach the other day!
instead on the other end was the person i least expected, and more importantly wanted calling me...
"is this the lizard?"
the germ-man!!! my first and only human enemy...
"what do you want?!?" i challenged though i shoulda hung up instead.
"oh no-thing," he replied coyly. "other than in times of recent i have heard, with mine ears, it said, by people with their mouths, that you are afraid of ghouls and goblins that you imagine to be in the graveyard."
"ghost lights, not goblins or ghouls!" i corrected him, but realized i accidentally answered his question.
the germ-man laughed a slightly disturbing laugh. "of course. my miss-take. you're scarred of light bulbs at the cemetery. ."
"what about it?" i angrily snapped. i'd put up with enough the last couple of months without having to put up with the germ-man.
"oh i just wanted to check to see, with mine ears, if you were as big a turkey as i'd been telled," the germ-man mockingly answered.
i grew angry. this was the guy who was too cowardly to confront my cousin larry. don't get me wrong larry being a full grown 14 metre long 6 tonne bull tyrannosaur is no fluffy puppy when it comes to the terror scale. at the same time t-rexs still don't have a thing on ghosts if you ask me... i'd take a pack of tyrannosaurs any day to a ghost. especially a pack of all girl t-rexs... oh yeah... sorry what was a saying again people of the web wide world?
oh yeah... the germ-man was to chicken to even get revenge in our faces for scarring him. instead what little germ-boy do? he went and hid setting a banana trap for larry, and than secretly called the news in on us... the actions of a brave man?
i didn't think so either people of the innerweb!
"who you calling turkey? germy!" i retorted. "i'm afraid of no ghost!"
"oh really? the germ-man faked sympathy. "that is two bad. you see i was telling every-one at salmond what a more than normal sized turkey you are, and they all laughed pretty hard about it. you being frightened by lamps and all. "
"i'm not a turk... er chicken!" i countered.
"wunder-bar!" happily responded the germ-man for some reason... i grew worried. "well than you won't mind a not big challenge than to show everyone how not afraid you are?"
"what sort of challenge?" i asked hesitantly.
"oh it is nothing too much," the germ-man answered. "just come meet me in the middle of the grave-yard twonight at midnight. the only rules are no flash lights, and no one else with you."
my stomach turned as i pictured my last time in the cemetery following the ghost lights. "i don't have to prove anything to you," i dismissed, and was about to hang up the phone.
"i understand," the germ-man answered mockingly. "you're too turkey. well than i guess i'll just got and tell everyone just how scarredy bird you are lizard."
"no!" i found myself saying. with everything going on since larry's visit, and the news coverage i couldn't afford more bad things being attributed to me... "fine i'll take you're stupid challenge. just to show you how not scarred i am." my head filled with nasty visions of what might await me in that graveyard tonight...
"excellent! i'll see you at midnight than... with mine eyes," the germ-man concluded and hung up.
oh man what had i just agreed too? last time i was in the cemetery i'd barely managed to escape the ghostlights! could i count on that luck again? though one bit good news occurred to me. if something bad was lurking in there it was just as likely to get the germ-man as it was me!
the rest of my evening seemed to both slug on and race by... i was very anxious. all i could think about was how i was going to be on the edge of the maze of doom, and wandering through those creepy tombstones again only to find those bright orbs of terror coming in on me again...
well after the sun set i sat in my nest in the woods hoping beyond all hopes that my watch would stop somehow, and midnight would never come.
than at 11:45 i was jolted into reality by my phone going off... i nearly screamed.
"hope you haven't falled to sleep lizard," it was the germ-man. "i'm already at the cemetery. can't wait to see you... with mine eyes. or have you forgotten."
"i haven't forgotten," my angry snap back hid my fear.
"see you in a number minutes," the germ-man.
that was it. if i was going to do this i was going to have to do it right now...
reluctantly i prayed myself out of my nest, and begun the nerve racking walk through the dark forest. sure it was only the botanic garden, but a few months ago i'd seen and followed a ghostlight on this very path...
and if i thought dark woods were scary the cemetery itself was way worse!
my teeth started chattering... but you have to remember people of the web wide world that my jaw muscles are quite a bit stronger than a humans. so when my mouth starts vibrating in fear it makes a much louder noise, which just makes me more scared which makes me chatter even louder!... not to mention make my mouth sore...
who knew what might lurk in such a scary place at this time of night... i've seen the movies. any number of very frightening i don't want to see them things could be here right now...
ghouls, goblins, zombies, vampires, and especially ghosts had me very antsy.
making my anxiety issues worse... there was no sign of the germ-man anywhere...
i was so hoping i'd be able to jet in here, dispel the rumour, and than get out pronto.
yet the germ-man was no where to be seen. meaning i was having to not only cover ever inch of the cemetery (and thus meaning i was way more likely to find not only the germ-man, but any of the scary things lurking with in too), but i was having to repeat sections! that meant doubling the odds of an encounter...
on my third circuit not only was the loud clatter of my teeth echoing through the place, but i was having trouble walking due to some major shivering... i haven't shivered that bad since i was a hatchling in drumheller and wandered outside in -35 C without a jacket in only my feathers (sure we ceolurosaurs evolved feathers to protect us from the cold, but not THAT cold!).
as i wandered through the middle of the cemetery again, with still no sign of the germ-man, my... i don't know, tyrannosaur or hunter senses kicked up a notch.
i thought i heard something behind the closest tombstone. i suddenly became aware of a strangely familiar scent in the air, and i couldn't help but feel i was being watched...
than suddenly from behind one of the tombstones it sprung...
now of course i did what any sane of rational person would do. engage my skeptical side of my brain to this rather improbable situation...
do i make a run for it to the left or the right?
i choose the unlikely left. sure it was the long way out of the graveyard, but what terror of the night would predict its victim to spend more time in its domain?
the proof i was right, i'm here hiding under this bench typing to you people of the web wide world!
oh man, these key strokes are way too loud! i'm going to have to stop typing people of the innerweb... otherwise i might be discovered by the apparition...
if your reading this before sunrise, please send help!!!
Today has been a most laugh out loud time.
Mine prank against the lizard a complete not failure!
It just goes to show know your enemies weaknesses, and you shall not fail.
Having lured the stupid lizard into my challenge by lying about telling everyone what a turkey he was mine trap was set. Meaning I had get everything ready by moon rise...
I laughed like a happy little school boy as I carried all mine supplies into the cemetery. I knew, with my brain, that tonight was going to oh so funny!
Once i had everything in places, I needed to make sure the lizard wasn't going to turkey out on mine.
A fast phone call, and I had the lizard on his way.
Oh how I laughed in anticipation! this was going to be ubber funny!
I had to get ready though, so I stopped my laughter. I did not want the lizard arriving and ruining mine surprise.
Getting out mine sheet I brought for the occasion...
I placed over top of mineself, so that I could not be seen, by the lizard's eyes.
Yet I was smart enough to cut some holes in the sheet so mine eyes could see the lizard. This was a critical part of mine plan. No point in any of this if I couldn't see, with mine eyes, what the lizard's reaction was going to be!
Just like that I transformed into one wunderbar ghoul. Or is it vampire?
The last thing I had to do was to get a good hiding spot. From here I was going to spring at the lizard, and make scary noises, with my lungs.
Minutes after I found a good tombstone the lizard showed up. It only took him a few moments to walk close to where I squatted, at the center of the grave-yard. This was too fast for mine liking though. I remained hiding, hoping to draw out the fun.
It worked so perfectly! The stupid lizard went around the whole place 3 times! All the while getting scarreder and scarreder. He was shaking with uncontrollable fear.
I could not help but giggle. That was un mistake.
Suddenly the lizard turned toward me sniffing the air, with his nose. He must have heard mine laugh.
I decided the time for action was now! I leaped forward from mine hiding place, and made as scary a noise as i could, with my lungs.
For a moment nothing. The stupid lizard just stood there, looking left to right for some reason.
Than suddenly it screamed a loud cowards scream and ran off... To the right I couldn't help but notice.
Within moments the stupid thing had run itself out of the graveyard, and could no longer be heard running or screaming.
Removing mine sheet I let loose a most pleased and amused laugh. This little idea of scarring the scales off the lizard, just as its larger relative had done to me, worked perfectly!
The only not good thing to it I could think of, with mine brain, was to tell the lizard what I had done or to keep him scarred of the garden around him?
What am I sayings?!? The answer to that is easy!
Leave him terrified of course!
Than suddenly from behind my back came a bright light, and a loud disembodied. "WHO ARE YOU?"
How could this be?
Could the lizard have been right? Was this place haunted?
I must have been imagining things with my brain. Clearly I just did not sleep enough due to this late night prank. So I turned away for a moment.
Ah yes. Clearly I had just imagined the light blub. It is the only non-ironic explanation.
From behind me came the voice again. "LEAVE THIS PLACE. NOW!"
Rather than risk losing time turning around to double check I bolted from the scene.
Come to think of it. Ignore this entry in my die-ary from now on.