hockey night in canada...

despite all the build up and commotion my special talent agent peter bond has been placing on the the dinosaur winter games they hadn't been a huge success thus far...

that was till today... wholly smokes!

today's event, the first round of a whole tournament, has become an instant hit. we sold out every round!

the event, canada's single obsession... ice hockey!

the event i feared more than anything has just begun here in vancouver...

Welcome Ladies and Gentlemen to this special by demand recap of today's Channel 299 point 5's previous coverage of the Ice Hockey tournament here in Vancouver...

I'm Peter Bond, good evening Canada!

and I'm Gus Richards welcoming the rest of the world, that Peter just rudely neglected!

Oh right. Sorry about that!

Due to the flood of calls from people who missed our original broadcast of the event, Channel 299.5 proudly brings you this recap of today's ice hockey games!

Brought to you by Meaties, breakfast of Canines!

Breakfast of Canines? That doesn't even remotely sound like champions!

Don't question the sponsors on the air...

Today saw the beginning of the round robin tournament that will determine which prehistoric country or super-continent can claim dominance in the hockey rink.

That's right after a five game circuit only the top 4 teams will make it to the championships.

Peter there are only 5 teams, its hardly suspenseful!

Uhuh think of how devastating it will be for the one eliminated team!

Face it Peter, as the organizer, you couldn't think of anything else to do with such a small team pool.

Maybe...

Anyways today saw two very interesting games, with very unexpected outcomes!

Yes with that in mind let's take a look at everything that happened today...

The first match of the day was between the two overall leaders in these Dinosaur Winter Games so far, Australia and the USA.

Anyone watching the Olympics so far will know that both these teams have dominated the overall competition.

Australia in particular entered today undefeated.

Yeah stupid cheating convicts! Who knew that in the Cretaceous they were a polar continent?!?

Peter!!!

Oh right, sorry to all our Aussie viewers. I meant to say NON cheating convicts...

*Sigh* How did I let him talk me into commentating with him again?!?

The United States have been on the Aussie's tail in every event, just narrowly coming in second at the end everytime. The question today was would this trend continue, or would the States finally find a way to come out on top?

Indeed Peter, today's initial match could have been a preview of the potential final gold medal game...

While team Australia entered seeking its third straight victory, the Americans were ready to give them a fight. Literally.

Indeed today's opening games was an interesting clash of strategies. Australia fielded a fast agile team, with Boom and Rang Leaellynasaura as their forwards. opting for their larger heavy weight Hogan the Muttaburrasaur to be goalie. The Americans on the other hand went for a much more powerful and physical offense with Dollie the Stegosaur and Bronko the Stygimoloch on the frontline, leaving Elinor Einiosaurus in net.

At first we thought that perhaps speed could be a deciding factor, as the Leaellynasaura skated circles around the Americans. However no amount of puck ballet could save Australia.

The combination of Bronko's physical play, and Dollie's offense eventually knocked the Leaellynsaura not only off the puck but their game as well.

Not to mention their feet Gus.

I think I kind of covered that Peter.

However, despite Broncho's hard headed checks, team America's greatest weapon has turned out to be Dollie's thagomizer slap shot!

Thaga-what?!? You just made that word up!

No. I looked it up in this book. That is the technical name for a Stegosaurs spiked tail. See...

*Mumble mumble* Oh so it is...

Despite Hogan Muttaburrasaur's valiant efforts, I doubt there are many goalie's who'd be able to stop a puck going 150 mph! That is a good 30 miles faster than the hardest ever recorded human shot!!!

By the beginning of the third period the score was 4-1 for the Americans. Despite overall control of the puck by the Australians for most of the game, their lack of physicality kept them from scoring. Where as every time Dollie got the puck in the Australian zone the US was guaranteed a point! Hogan was only able to stop 3 of her shots, and these were taken essentially directly at him. They looked like very painful stops too...

It was at the mid point of the third period that the game took a very unexpected turn. Stealing the puck from Dollie, the Australians looked poised for a break away, which in the second period was the source of their only goal. However Broncho surprised Rang with a particularly aggressive check to the side.

That's right we barely could believe the brutality of the hit. Here is our response at the time...

Oh boy oh boy!

Rang is down, and looks pretty injured! The ref has called a halt to play. There must be a penalty coming up to team USA...

There go the medics... Now I'm wishing I'd hired proper vets and not just some guys from my first aid course...

What the ref is signalling that was a legal hit?

BOO!

Peter we're supposed to impartial.

How can that be considered a legal check though?!?

Let's watch the instant replay *watches replay* Well I guess I can see it. The hit occurred while Rang had the puck, and it was below the shoulders. Technically that was a legitimate hit by the rules of the game.

Those rules weren't meant for a boneheaded battering ram!

Than a certain event organizer should have changed the rules before letting Dinosaurs play the game...

Oops.

Rang's injuries are clearly pretty bad, here as he skates off the ice.

Tell me about it, he is wearing a cone of shame!

Looks like he is not just out of this hockey match, but we're getting word he is likely out for the rest of the Winter Games.

Oh man, and he had been the big star of the games so far!

Team Australia's coach is calling for the Americans' to default this game, as her team is effectively out of the Ice Hockey Tournament.

What?!? America is refusing to forfeit the game, citing the check as perfectly legal!?!

I guess that is within their rights, but seriously?

*End Replay*

That was the unexpected end to the first match of the Ice Hockey. We see Team Australia dropping out of the Ice Hockey tournament altogether.

This injury also puts Australia's current overall lead in the Olympics in jeopardy.

America in the meantime moves on with a victory point, not that they really matter now. Every team will now be making it to the playoffs as a result.

If you'd been watching our broadcast earlier today you'd have had a big unplanned 20 minute break between games due to this outcome. In good news I was able to provide some filler entertainment! Which went something a bit like...

NO!!! I will walk out right now if I subjected to another second of you country yodelling the hits of U2 whilst trying to, unsuccessfully, juggle goslings!

What you didn't like it?

I'm not alone either, I have over two thousand emails from our new large audience demanding you never do that on air again!!!

Oh, and I just went through my ipod looking for more songs to cover...

Anyways with the first game over, there was still a second one this afternoon. This being the match between China and Canada.

Yes the long awaited debut of my team!

Peter we're on the air... why do I have to keep saying that... you can't go on about "your" team.

Right. Well then, Team Canada's coach in a moment of brilliance...

*Sigh*

Decked out his star player in a lovely Team Canada jersey!

Here was Team Canada as they skated out on the ice for the first time!

Well I have to say that jersey is rather smart isn't it. Why isn't the rest of the team in them?

Have you seen how much a Tyrannosaur sized jersey costs?!?

I thought that was your Tyrannosaur in the jersey...

Errr, well yes, but you know what I mean! A full grown Tyrannosaur, Albertosaur, which is a Tyrannosaur but not AGHH!...

Well led by their captain Staff...

How many times have I told you today that is Tyrannosaur. Traumador THE Tyrannosaur!

That's not what his jersey says!

I tell Traum to go get his jersey embroidered with his name, and he comes back with Staff written on the back...

Why?

He said it was the only thing he could imagine ever being on the back of any of his shirts.

Huh?

It's a long story...

And the number zero?

*Sadly admits* He thought it would be cheaper than a bigger number...

Well with both teams on the ice it was game on.

The game was exciting from the get go!

As of the puck dropping, Lillian Albertosaur looked to be this match's star.

That is till she was continually foiled by Lao-Gui Meng the Pinacosaur.

Quite right, Peter. The armoured Dinosaur kept the Chinese net as protected as her hard hide.

Nothing Lillian did could beat Lao-Gui either.

Leading to the natural question, where was Team Canada's other forward Staff?

Traumador THE Tyrannosaur!

Well Traumador the Staff was unable to skate in any real capacity throughout the whole match, and though occasionally getting the puck and passing it to Lillian, he had no real impact on the game. Which would lead one to ask what Team Canada's coach was thinking putting him on the ice?

Hahahahaha I imagine if you "could" ask him, he'd say he'd hoped the pressure of the game would get Traumador to grow his ice legs.

Clearly this "common" coaching strategy didn't pay off, for some reason...

Despite Lillian's valiant efforts to score, and her overwhelming control of the puck for most of the match, the Chinese naturally had breaks in the Canadian onslaught. Especially given their effective one Dinosaur advantage.

It was in one of these breaks that Norman A. Centrosaur found himself beat by Hua Yingwu the Psittacosaurus.

It should be pointed out that poor Norman actually put up a good game himself. However with the ongoing Chinese power play he just couldn't stop all the cross ice plays.

Hopefully Team Canada performs better next game.

I would certainly hope so. A three to nothing defeat is not a great start. Even if Lao-Gui Meng is by far the best Saurian goalie we've seen thus far.

So your thoughts after the day Gus?

I think Team America and China will be battling for the gold. We'll have to see if the physical play of the American's can beat the armoured defenses of Lao-Gui Meng's goal tending.

How do you think Team Gondwana will effect things as they enter the tournament next round?

While it is true that we haven't seen Gondwana due to their bye in this round, but I can't help but think that the domination we saw on both the parts of the US and China today will carry on. Though who knows, maybe the giants of the South may topple our first round expectations.

Finally Team Canada's chances?

Unless Staff...

Tyrannosaur!

Unless, Traumador, somehow miraculously learns to skate in the next couple days i think they're dead in the water. No matter how good Lillian or Norman play.

Oh man...

Peter don't even start!

So stay tuned hockey fans, as this is but only the first round of the 2010 Dinosaur Winter Games Hockey Tournament... uh that's copyrighted by the way.

*Sigh* Peter that comes up in the credits, you don't need to tell people that!

I just wanted to make sure...

I am SO done for the night!